christmas has come and gone, new year about to start...

Christmas is over and I was ready for it to be gone. I just couldn't get into the whole holiday spirit this year - lots of changes from years past, not really sure where I belonged. But it was fine overall, I enjoyed the time I spent with the girls and some of the traditions we started this year. I have plans for new ones next year as well.

Now on to 2010...I am ready for it! I always love January 1st ~ so much potential, so many new goals and aspirations. I may not always follow through on my resolutions, but I love the feeling of starting fresh. This is going to be My Year ~ I can feel it, I know it deep down inside. It is not just about losing weight or getting organized (like all the years past). It is about finally finding myself and loving who I am.

I have a list of goals and to-do's but my main focus is going to be living in the moment. This is one of my biggest weaknesses. I am always looking behind or far ahead - and missing out on the present. I want to appreciate all that is happening...right now.

I have a handful of people in my life that I truly admire and look to for inspiration. Different types of people, different lives and different reasons why I think of them as role models to aspire to. I am going to keep those people close and up front - try to stay focused on what I love most about their attitudes and outlooks on life. And I will hope to be an example to someone else at some point.

I will be 43 years old this April - lots to do before and after that birthday. Time to get busy :)

first holiday on my own...

today has been a mixture of emotions for me ~ it is the first official holiday as a single person and without my girls.

I started the day with the YMCA Turkey Trot downtown. I have always wanted to participate but never could because of Thanksgiving day obligations. So it was fun to be able to join in this year and I definitely plan to make this an annual event. My goal is to run it next year ;)

Afterwards I joined my friend Jacki and her family at the temple for a vegetarian lunch buffet ~ my first tofurkey! LOL It did not look or taste like turkey, but I love tofu and it was delicious!

I came home and started puttering around ~ but I have also been nursing a sore throat today and decided to take a little nap. I am still a little out of it but doing okay.

I am sad to be without my girls today though and have decided to cook/host at my place next year. I like having leftovers for dinner and I am dying for some right now! I also like the idea of having an open house for anyone that doesn't have plans and wants to join us.

The alone time has given me a chance to think about things, which can be both good and bad. But I am formulating my list of goals and plans for the next year. I have so much I want to take care of ~ need to write them down and prioritize.

The girls come back tomorrow and I am hoping I feel better. I want to do a couple of fun things before the break is over. It is also officially Christmas decorating time at our house, so we will be busy with that as well. Hoping for a good December...

feeling better...

so this week brought a couple more "revelations" about what a small world I live in and it shook me up pretty good...but I have some great friends who have helped me clear my head and gain a new perspective. I am so very thankful for the people in my life :)

I am trying desperately to get some things done! I have taken in entirely too many "projects" and have to get them completed!! This includes priming and sanding and painting ~ I am excited to do them but the time simply gets away from me! I am setting a goal for completion by planning an open house soon. I am ready to open up my house to friends and family. I love having people over, with kids and without, dinner, drinks, movies...I love having a comfortable and welcoming home. So there is my kick in the butt to get things done ;)

I had a great day yesterday!
I picked up another TV cabinet to be updated (I know, I know) that will go in my bedroom.
Attended a mother's blessing party, enjoyed great company AND got a henna tattoo!
Ended with a night in watching movies at a friends house - until 3am! ACK!!

Today is going to be productive...cleaning house, prioritizing what needs to get done, paying bills, etc. All before the girls come back home at 6!!

Happy for a clear head...

Saturday...

We went to a birthday party for Vincent (just turned 5). The girls had fun and I enjoyed visiting with a couple of my friends. The weather has been just gorgeous and being outside was so nice! We stayed until right before dusk and then headed home. Zoe crashed and stayed asleep. Ava hung with me for a while and "read" her school papers to me and sang me songs. She is now snoring beside Zoe and I get a little down time. I really should read one of the books sitting next to my bed. Oh well, maybe I will just keep surfing...

changes...

Changes in how I am addressing certain situations (work, home, kids, etc) and trying to make the best of things. I know I need to make some changes within before I can move on with my life. It is hard - hard to admit that I have faults, hard to move out of my comfort zone, hard to think too far into the future. But I also can't stay here.

This weekend is the 3 Day Breast Cancer Walk - my sister in law Paula is walking in honor of Jeanette, her mother and her aunt. I was looking at pictures on Facebook that Bridget's cousin posted of the cheering stations. The siblings were there and other family. I can just imagine the feelings Paula is feeling this weekend. I remember doing the bike ride in 1999, like it was yesterday. The emotions, the spirit, the feeling of accomplishment. I am so proud of her!

But as I was looking at the pictures, I didn't recognize someone in the crowd, then I saw she had a dog. And it clicked ~ that was Bridget's new girlfriend. There...with the family...in my place. I am not sure what I am feeling right now. I do fine for the most part and then little things will just knock me down. Like this. Or when I saw the movie last week and it had a couple celebrating their 63rd anniversary. It made my heart hurt - we were supposed to celebrate all those years too.

I feel so disconnected right now. I am just not sure what my role is with the family anymore. I am not ready or willing to let go after 17 years, but I wonder if I am supposed to. Luckily, I have not been in this situation before.

Going to write another post after this one - on a happier note...

Today was a good day...

although I am only half finished painting my fabulous green bookcase and the house is an absolute wreck, I had a great day.

I met my new friend Kirsten for a meeting and then we went to a movie. I cannot remember the last movie I saw at the theatre that was not animated or rated G. This was a real, grown up movie! K had not been to a movie since she had her daughter (almost 3). We were a couple of giddy mommies!! It was wonderful to share popcorn with a new friend and see a great movie.

I need to do that more often :)

P.S. The movie was "New York, I love You" ~ and I really liked it!! Lots of my favorite actors and I could "feel" the energy of NY!

The Rock...

No, not the beautiful wrestler/actor LOL ~ I am talking about White Rock Lake and how I walked all 9.3 miles of it!!!

The plan was to walk 13 miles - but I was 45 minutes late meeting Brandie and then Brandie had some shoe issues, so we settled on going around the lake once (9.3). The weather started out pretty chilly and I realized that I would need to be prepared for the real half in December. But the morning turned into a gorgeous day, just perfect for being out.

I felt amazing afterwards - we had lunch at Barbec's in Lakewood to celebrate ;)

I came home and decided that I could take a nap or actually get some stuff done. I chose the latter and that is a good thing! I needed to feel motivated to get things accomplished and I think that walk did it. I am charged up and ready for this month. Lots to look forward to!

I am excited about training for the half - I know that I will be able to do it!

gratitude...

I copied this from my friend's FB status today - I liked it! (thanks K!)

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing,... and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.” ~Melodie Beattie

This week, I have once again been amazed at how things work themselves out. When I think I am going to hit the wall, something opens up and allows me to continue ~ spiritually, mentally, financially. I am grateful for all that I have...thank you :)

feeling restless...

I have so many things on the horizon, so many things I want to do. I feel like I am in a constant state of anxiety, not so much the "bad" anxiety...but the kind of nervous, twitchy, restless feeling of something about to happen. I feel like I am just on the verge of lifting off, but something keeps holding me down. Most likely my insecurity and my fear of failure, they are heavy weights. I have something inside of me just waiting to soar - I can feel it! I need to release it. I just know that I have so much to accomplish and so much to give. I am ready to be free of these chains of my past, of my lack of confidence, of my uncertainty of my worth. Just need to take it one step at a time, that's the only way to get there...

so first step ~ I am going with a new friend to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow. I have been gone too long and think maybe this will help to refocus.

call me crazy...

but I just decided today to walk the Dallas White Rock Half Marathon in December!

Details to follow (as soon as I figure them out LOL)...

time to put on your big girl panties...and deal with it!

I have that as my avatar on my mom's board - I like it. It rings true for so many things, especially for me, right now.

I am tired of complaining about how life isn't fair, I am tired of whining about how I have to do EVERYTHING, I am tired of being the martyr. I don't really think I am a martyr, but you know what I mean.

No, life isn't fair, and yes, I do have to do most things because I am the mom and I care for my 2 daughters.

So, with that said, I am having a rough time right now, at this moment in time. But I am going to work it out and get through this. I am going to be strong and find a solution, not keep adding to the problem.

My list includes:
~finding a way to get back into therapy - it is cost prohibitive right now, but I think I really need it
~start on supplements for anxiety/moodiness
~get the house settled and organized for smoother morning and evening routines
~set up treadmill to get some exercise - which would probably help with the anxiety and moods ;)
~finally work on a budget
~find time for meditation, work on forgiveness (both of others and myself)

Yeah, that should keep me busy for a while...ha ha!

quick post...

Well, Ava has been in school for 3 weeks now ~ all seems to going well. But she is not a morning person and she likes to take her time doing her work...can't blame her, I am the same! LOL but we definitely have some adjustment period for both us!

The girls are with Bridget this weekend - I have a couple of fun things planned and then hope to really tackle my house. I am borrowing my brother's hand sander so that I can start on my furniture painting!

I am struggling with our schedule ~ we get home too late and I feel like I am constantly driving. Something has to give soon - I just don't know how or what??? And I don't like the chaotic schedule for the girls - they need to have some down time with me at night. Still brainstorming and trying to find what will work best...aside from me winning the lottery which is my first choice and make all this a moot point! Ha Ha Ha!!!

I am also trying to put things in perspective and realize priorities.
I am thinking of my Uncle Andy and how the family is still struggling with him being gone.
I am thinking of Gretchen and can't believe it has been a year since she passed.
I am thinking of my beautiful sister in law Jeanette and keeping the faith that she will stay strong and the cancer is gone for good.
I am thinking of all the things that were supposed to be and what they are now.

I am grateful and thankful for my life and those in it ~ just need to remember it ;)

learning to stop and breathe...

So Ava started Kindergarten this week. Monday was rough! I cried, she cried...I wanted to scoop her up and take her home. I waited all day long, wondering how she was doing and hoping she was enjoying herself. When we picked her up after school, I couldn't tell at first how it went. (again, she is SO much like me!). But then she told me about her day and I could see that she was just fine. :) The 2nd day was a little rough again but it went well. The 3rd and 4th days were pretty good! I am so proud of my girl - she is strong and smart and learning to be independent. I try to allow her that room - as much as I want to hold her tight and never let her go, she needs to try out her wings. I am trying hard to take it all in - it goes by so fast.

"roots to grow, wings to fly"

~ stolen from a friend's message board signature, I try to remember this often

Zoe is staying with my parents for now - we will try a part time program soon for her. It will give my parents a break and give Zoe some special time as well. She misses Ava :(

I am looking at job options (again). I have been here for over 8 years and I just don't want to be here. I am not foolish enough to make any rash decisions but I am putting out feelers that I am looking. Ideally I would love to work for the school distict - be closer to home and to have girls' schedule. I am not sure about the pay though. Will be contacting some recruiters to get some ideas.

I have been faltering on my exercise and eating the past couple of weeks. I have been too stressed and nervous to eat well - I have actually lost 5.5 lbs since the beginning of the month. I have not been able to walk like I had hoped. But we are finally emptying out the storage and I will have my treadmill this weekend. So no more excuses - I can at least walk on that daily!

I am dealing with some stuff about Bridget too - she and Amy are spending time together with the girls. The girls know that Amy is Mama's friend (only) and they enjoy her. I am glad she is a nice person. I haven't met her yet - not sure when I will be ready??? It still gives me a little lump in my throat to think about her in their lives. And about her being able to make Bridget happy when I apparently failed. I know it is not my responsibility to make her happy but it is hard to not think that way, you know? I am working on feeling good about myself and knowing that I am worthy...of a relationship (or not), of having a good life, of being a good mom/daughter/friend.

pride...

I am a proud woman - I want to do things ALL.ON.MY.OWN!

I want to feel satisfied that I can make things happen and I can do it all right. I cringe when I have to ask for help. It makes my stomach churn. It makes me cry inside (and a little outside too).

But pride can be such a roadblock on our journey. We have to take care of our family and their needs, even if it means choking on that pride just a little when you are swallowing it. So, I did just that. And I will get over it and move on.

First official 10K!

On Sunday, I did the Heels and Hills 10K walk! It was pretty awesome. I have always done 5Ks but never really timed them or tried for any kind of personal record.

I walked with Brandie and Jenn for the 10K portion - I timed at 1 hour and 48 minutes. I was dead last in the 10K category overall but I didn't care!! I felt amazing when I ran across the finish line.

I have been slowly coming around to feeling like myself and being active is a part of it. It reminds me of training for my 4 day bike ride 10 years ago. I want to feel like that again. It clears my mind and frees my soul. It releases my stress and makes me a better mom to the girls. It is nice to lose the weight but it is about so much more.

I have had a couple of weird days this week - a lot running through my mind and having fitful dreams. I know it is with the changes coming - Ava starting school, etc. But I am making this a priority for myself - it is the best therapy around!! :)

Ava Day...

Today Bridget and I had an Ava day :) We took Ava shopping for school clothes and shoes. I could tell that she absolutely loved having us to herself. She wanted to hold both of our hands at all times. As we were sitting in the dressing room watching our firstborn try on clothes, I felt so many feelings.

Nostalgia ~ 5 years ago, this beautiful little creature changed my life. and now she is moving on and starting the next chapter of her journey in life.

Pride ~ She is just like me, so strong yet so scared at the same time. Wants to be independent and do it her way, but is afraid of making mistakes and not being "perfect".

Sadness ~ I wish we were still the little family of 4 that Ava longs for, but we will continue to show her our love and support as her parents.

Hope ~ I hope she loves school and learning. I just know she is ready to take off and absorb it all! I hope she knows her worth and her strength and her place in this world.

Happy Ava Day to my sweet, smart, amazing, beautiful, funny, makes-me-so-mad-and-makes-me-laugh-all-at-once firstborn child! Mommy loves you very much!

a new month...

I have decided that August is "my" month! For no particular reason (as Forrest Gump says), I am going to finally get off my butt and make some changes!

Get healthy (lose weight, be active) ~ I have started another blog with a friend of mine. She has been a real inspiration this past year! She is now training to walk a half marathon in Sept...pretty awesome goal! So we are in this as a team and hope to support each other through the challenges of getting there.
http://mamasgettinhealthy.blogspot.com/


Quality time with the girls ~ school is starting soon and schedules will be hurried and busy. I am going to spend more quality time when I have the girls. Play outside, play board games, cook together. Ava has been especially clingy lately. I need to be sure to spend one on one time with both girls.

House projects ~ um, get them done! LOL Seriously, I am planning to go pick out paint this weekend and make a decision about wall colors! I am starting with the girls' rooms upstairs. I would love to get them all organized in time for the start of school. They should be easy since we already have an idea on colors for them. I am on the hunt for 2 twin beds - something unique and kind of funky that I can paint white to match.

So that should keep me busy (I didn't even mention my plan for a budget and getting my finances in order!!)

Happy August!

catching up...

Things are going fine around here - a few bumps in the road every now and then but overall I am trying to count my blessings :)

I am trying to get into an exercise routine ~ finding different things to keep me motivated and excited. I actually like working out and feel so good afterwards. And honestly, it is the best way for me to lose weight!

I walked a 5K with my friends on Sunday. The walk started at 6:30 AM! Yikes!! But I dragged my booty out in the dark at 5:45 and headed out. It was a great walk and I am really glad that I did it. Brandie and I did the 5K in a little under 54 minutes. Jenn walked the 10K and Holly ran the 15K.

The 5K/10K/15Ks are sponsored by Heels and Hills, a fun and supportive group just trying to get people to be active and healthy! I love it - no hard core competition, walkers and runners together, nice group!

I am doing a 10K with them in a couple of weeks ~ looks like we will have more friends joining us this time, should be fun :)

I am also planning a 2 day a week boot camp for 3 weeks next month...again with the early morning start!! But I figure I can do it for 6 mornings and survive.

*****
I am finally getting some projects done and weeding out others. I have painted a couple of things for the girls with my free Glidden paint. Have more to do this weekend. My decoupage table is done and I decided to use it as my desk instead of the craft table. It fits perfectly in the kitchen.

*****
My Ava starts Kindergarten next month ~ I am happy and sad all at once. My beautiful, smart, imaginative wonder child is moving on to her next adventure. We are planning a special day next weekend for shopping and fun to get her ready.

Uncle Andy...

I am sad to write that my uncle/godfather passed away last Wednesday :( He was the one that didn't make it to the reunion last month. He had a heart attack and it was just too much for him. He was 77 and was like a father to me. I spent summers with the family. He was so funny and kind and generous. He was really a good man and will be terribly missed. I am so sad that I didn't get to see him and that my girls will not spend time with him. I will always remember him with his tshirt on backwards and his baseball cap sitting high on his head LOL.
I love you Uncle Andy.

neighbors...

So I bought my house in March of this year. I was so excited ~ this house is amazing and has a great neighborhood with kids. My previous owner was from my mom's board and we keep in touch via email.

I have met a few of the neighbors - I will try to meet them all before the end of the year. Everyone has been really nice and I feel great about it, except...

The house next door is a couple about my age (40s) with a son the same age as Ava (5). Keith, the husband, is very nice, laid back, pretty casual. Sue, the wife, and I have met and introduced ourselves...and that's it. She never waves, never yells out hello, nothing. I asked Monika (previous owner) if this was normal or was it me? and if she had any advice since I plan to be here for quite a while.

Luckily she told me that Sue is pretty shy and needs a lot of coaxing to come out of her shell. I don't expect us to be BFFs or anything but I don't want to be uncomfortable and not talk, you know? So I am going to plan a couple of opportunities for us to talk and get to know each other. I will get a feel of how much to expect and/or pursue.

I am a little nervous about really letting it all out with everyone - yes, the girls have 2 mommies; no, they don't have a father; no, my partner and I are no longer together but she has joint custody and will be around often; yes, my garage is full of projects (ha ha)

So, my goal is to get the house in order and invite neighbors to meet us over snacks and drinks and Capri Sun juice ~ I also host bunco in October, so I need to get busy!! LOL

okay, it's been too long since my last post...

I kept waiting to get my pictures loaded but that is taking me too long! I'll fill in pics later (or not)...ha ha!

The family reunion was wonderful! I saw family that I had not seen in 30 years. I was also missing those who were not there ~ my cousin Lee who died of AIDS in 1993, my uncle Neto who died the year after that (although all of the kids look JUST like him!) and my godparents who are still with us but had to stay home because of health issues. We all just picked up where we left off and it felt so good to be around my own.

The next week was vacation at home and celebrating the girls' birthdays.
Ava turned 5 on June 30 and her day included our favorite water park in the morning, a trip to Toys R Us to pick out a gift (she did really great with this and took her time on picking out the perfect thing ~ I think we will do this every year) and dinner at Magic Time Machine with Mama and friends.

Zoe turned 3 on July 3. We planned to go to the Dallas World Aquarium but the line was around the building. I did not want to stand in that line and then be crowded inside :(
So we went to lunch at Spaghetti Warehouse, then to Chuck E Cheese and Toys R Us for her gift selection. Mama spent the day with us for all of that. Later on we went to Cici's Pizza for dinner and then to Baskin Robbins for free birthday cones :)

I really enjoyed my time with the girls and was sad for my week to end.

We spent the 4th with Bridget's family (she wasn't there) and had a nice time being around family again. I was hesitant to go on my own with the girls but there was no need for it. I was welcomed as I have always been welcomed and loved.

Back at work this week and back to the routines. I have finally started a project! The girls' arts & crafts table. I am trying decoupage - I really like how it is turning out. I will definitely post pics of that when done. I am trying not to stress about all that I still need to do around here. I have time. But I would also like to get the house in order before Ava starts school next month (next month??? !!!). She is like me and I know she will need routine and structure to be ready for the new challenge!

I met my friend Jacki for a night out last night - we went bowling! Christene had to bow out because she wasn't feeling well, I am convinced she was intimidated by my super fabulous bowling skills! LOL It was a fun evening and I always enjoy Jacki - she makes me laugh and I really needed it.

This morning I went to my Al-Anon meeting - I have been absent for much too long. I didn't realize how much I needed to be back until I started to speak and ended up crying. I am still dealing with a lot of hurt and pain and anger with the breakup ~ keeping busy just puts a bandaid on it. But I am getting there and every day is a little better.

walking...

so I have continued my nightly mile walk since Sunday! I feel great ~ it is a little boring circling the trail 4 times to get a mile, but it is a start. :) I even have visions of running it some day - we'll see about that though. Not sure my 42 year old knees can take running!

I am getting ready to go out of town this weekend. We are having a family reunion in Austin. It will be great seeing all the family that I haven't seen in a while. My favorite cousin Milly that I spent my summers with ~ we would spend ALL day in bed reading our books, only getting up to eat. My cousin Monica who has 4 kids now. A cousin Lisa that I have not seen since we were about 12 or 13. My girls are excited to see their cousins too, the next generation :)

The girls and I will stay in Austin on our own for an extra day. I have a few things planned for us and am going to enjoy the time! Next week is both birthdays ~ Ava will be 5 and Zoe will be 3!! I am planning some fun activities all week for us. Not sure when we will have an official birthday party - need to check schedules, but it will be soon.

I finally got a digital camera so I will be posting more pictures soon ~ of my girls, of all the house projects I have planned, maybe even of cooking! I am feeling inspired :)

moving on...

I have been feeling sad the past couple of days. But in my usual way, I have kept myself VERY busy and not dealt with it too much. Bridget picked up the girls today and it all hit me. I just kind of wandered around the house and felt sad. I decided to get out of the house for a bit and get some fresh, albeit HOT, air. I did a little retail therapy, which really needs to stop. Even if it is at Dollar Tree and Big Lots, it still adds up! But anyway, then I came home and worked on straightening up a couple of rooms, but it was still gnawing at me. So I put on my walking shoes and headed out to the trail behind my house (yes, right behind my house - absolutely NO excuse for not walking). No one was out there. There was a nice breeze and I could hear the different conversations and noises as I passed the houses. I let myself relax and just think about the moment. I noticed the bunnies hopping across the my path. I listened to the birds singing in the trees. I thought about how I am able to do this. I am able to move on and be happy with my life. I will not be guilty for my relationship ending. I was one part of the equation. I am working on forgiving myself and forgiving Bridget. I don't know which one is harder.

But I feel good at this moment ~ my head is clear and I feel able to take the next step, both figuratively and literally. I am going to walk again tomorrow and I am going to move on.

one more day until friday...

I am ready for the weekend - I feel worn out for some reason.

Sunday, the girls and I met friends at the nearby rec center pool. This place is awesome - lazy river, slides, big buckets of water splashing down on you. But I got sunburned and have been in pain all week. I made sure girls were protected and forgot about me! Won't do that again!
Bridget picked up the girls that evening and I had dinner with friends.

Monday, my car got broken into at work - they busted out the front passenger window and took my GPS. I had it hidden but the holder was on the window so they had a little clue :(
My Dad has great connections from working in the auto paint & body industry for so many years. He had someone come out and replace my window and my windshield (had a crack in it - might as well replace it too) the next day. He is also getting a few other things looked at and repaired/replaced. Love my Dad :)

I had bunco on Tuesday - we had a full group and it was fun! I didn't win anything but really enjoyed the company. I host in October ~ trying to think of something to make it special, maybe a Halloween theme??

I got the girls back on Wednesday and was really happy to see them - I missed them. We decided to stop at Chick-Fil-A for dinner (free kid's meal with purchase of value meal on Wed nights!) and stayed to play for a while. The girls had fun and got nice and tired! After a bath and a few minutes of Yo Gabba Gabba, they both crashed!

I followed shortly after that LOL.

saturday night...

we made english muffin pizzas for dinner and the girls wanted to sleep in the tent in the living room. guess it's not such a bad thing that we don't have a couch yet! LOL

Ava Zoe


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


the girls are snoring peacefully in the tent and I am doing little chores in between internet surfing :)




A couple of random thoughts:


~I picked up a tv cabinet and shelf units that I bought from someone on my mom's board. It is beautiful and worth so much more than what I paid. But it is in my garage, along with many other projects, waiting to be painted. I am happy that I am finding great pieces for the house and can make them just the way I want (AND not paying full price is icing on the cake!!) But I really need a weekend to get this painting done and get these things in the house!


~also from my mom's board, I have joined their version of The Biggest Loser. It started yesterday and runs for 12 weeks. We send our weight in on Fridays and the person who loses the most percentage of body weight wins the pot ($5 entry fee). Maybe this will be the motivation I need! I am working on my plan for eating and exercising. I have 2 more weeks of WW left and will get back to tracking my food.



~I have been organizing my pantry and kitchen. I am serious when I say this gives me so much pleasure! LOL It is fun to me and helps motivate me to do other areas of the house! I am working my way through every room and figuring out what I need to get it all organized and to hopefully stay clutter-free.



~I booked my hotel for the end of the month. We have a family reunion in Austin and I will stay an extra couple of nights with the girls. I am a little scared of being there alone - I have never done that with just me and the girls. But I have plans for the Children's Museum and some other activities, so I think we will have fun. I am off that week and we will come back and celebrate birthdays ~ Ava 6/30 and Zoe 7/3. Per their requests, we will be riding baby unicorns and having cake. If the unicorns fall through, we will either go ice skating or ride horses. :)

my fear has come true...

Bridget called me earlier today. She said she had to tell me something. I knew what was coming. She is seeing someone...and has been for a "few" months. In my heart, I already knew. Even when others thought that might be happening, I strongly defended her (and my life with her). I don't think it was going on when we were still together, but most likely at the end, when Bridget had already checked out. Even though I am doing so well on my own and making a wonderful life for me and the girls, this still sucks. It breaks my heart and hurts my soul. Even though not a week goes by that I don't say, well at least I don't have to deal with that anymore...it solidifies that this is really over. The goals we had and the future we planned for is gone. The tiny hope I kept in my pocket of us being a happy family of 4 is gone.

17 years of a life together and now she is with someone else...I can't even fathom dating or bringing someone new in my life. But once again, we are so very different - neither is better or worse, just different.

time...

my alarm woke me up at 5:45 ~ which is the time I need when I have the girls, however, I didn't have the girls this morning (or tomorrow). I hit snooze and went back to sleep. then I realized that I could use those mornings to walk the trail behind my house! I complain about no time to exercise and I just found it :)

I have also been thinking about time. Ava will be 5 this summer and starting Kindergarten in the fall. Zoe will be 3. Where has the time gone? :(

I know this is a no-brainer to most, but I have decided to give more of my time and myself to the girls when I have them. I work out of the home so I feel like I miss so much of their day to day life. I am thankful that I have my parents to care for them, but I hate that they are not with me more. So I have decided to really use my time wisely.

Chores can wait, my "me" time can wait for the nights that I don't have the girls, time on the computer can wait... I want to be present for my daughters, I want to truly enjoy my time with them.

I read on a blog about giving "leftovers" to the kids and it has really stuck with me. Our kids deserve the best of us, not just what is left at the end of the day. *love*

another week begins...

this weekend was good but very full...

up at 5:45 am on Saturday to participate in the 2009 Komen Race for the Cure 5K! I raised over $200 and walked with my awesome DAM friends! it was a great morning :)

then off on a mad rush to shower and pick up the girls from Mom and drive to Commerce for Autumn's birthday party (my great niece). for those that don't know, Commerce is about 1 1/2 hours away! once we got there, it was wonderful to see family and the girls enjoyed the children's museum. then it was time to trek back home - we were all pretty tired so we just vegged the rest of the night.

sunday we were supposed to go to another birthday party, but I just couldn't put us through another long drive (this was just in Arlington, but still a way from our house). So we stayed home and puttered around with toys and organizing.

the girls are with Bridget tonight, through Wednesday and will come back on Thursday. I am hoping to get some things accomplished this week: freezer meals, toy clean-up, organizing!

I haven't been on track with WW lately but I am making better decisions about what I am eating. and I am excited to start working out again - just need to make the time! I am hoping to do a 5K every month for the rest of the year :) I am nervous about weighing in - might do it tonight and get it done (I missed last week). but I think the scale might have good news this week - here's hoping!

kid free Wednesday...

I really should blog a little more often ~ I am old, I forget what I have done from day to day! LOL

so the title up there is in reference to our new kid schedule ~ Bridget actually initiated it. I was complaining about not having any weekend time sans kids and I guess she finally got it. It seems like it will work out pretty well and is equal and fair. I get Wednesdays and she gets Thursdays ~ we alternate the weekends. I think it will work for now.

So last weekend was my first without the girls ~ and true to form, I managed to fill it up with lots of things to do! I really need to take one of those weekends and just relax...soon!

Friday, my friend Angie came into town. Angie and I have known each other via phone and email for almost 8 years and this was the first time we met! I was a little nervous about how we would get along in person. I didn't need to be ~ we got along so well and had so much to talk about. It was very comfortable and I enjoyed our time. We went out to eat, hit Sam Moon for jewelry and purses and topped it off with manicures and a stop at Ikea! We are already planning our next visits! Thanks again, Angie :)

I tried a different WW meeting on Saturday morning. It was ok, but I could only go if I don't have the girls. So I had a .8 loss ~ very discouraging but we all know what needs to be done, so yada, yada. Total loss since 4/22 = 4.6 But 4 and 6 are my lucky numbers, so I feel good about it! LOL

Saturday night, I had dinner at my best friend Wendy's house. We have a mutual friend Jodi who is a masseuse and does body work. She wanted to have a little breathing class for us (and Wendy's husband Brian and his friend Bill). I was late for the "class" but got a quick review on my own afterwards. It was a great lesson and I need to practice it more. Breathe from the belly, people (belly, ribs, chest, relax! ) Brian also made a fabulous spinach lasagna. I had a wonderful evening and love being around my BF of 32 years.

Sunday, I drove out to Forney (yes, that is still in Texas!) to pick up 4 patio chairs from my friend Helen (for FREE!). The drive was totally worth it ~ I love the chairs and I love the price!! And Helen pretty much rocks! :)

Then, the moment we have all been waiting for...we picked up the horse and mermaid from the pottery place!!! They turned out really cute and the girls are so proud of them. We are planning to go back and make something for Grandma and Grandpa (birthdays this month). Afterwards, we stopped by to visit Taylor and Katie and stayed for dinner. No Rock Band this time though - darn!

Monday, I got my "new" car from my friend Cami, a 2001 Mitsubishi Montero, seats 7 and is in great shape. I owe 2 payments on my car and will sell it. I am sticking to my plan of no more car payments and I got a bigger car for my needs! I love it!!

So I need to take a minute to talk about my blessings...I truly believe in karma and I feel so grateful to have all of these amazing things happening in my life. I feel like a pheonix ~ I thought there would be no way that I could survive the loss of my relationship. I had not known any other way for 17 years. Yet I am blown away daily with the way things keep playing out and how things fall into place. Thank you to my friends and family and to many of you who don't even realize what an inspiration you are to me. I am forever thankful that you are in my life. :)

I hate being low on the blog rolls...

ha ha!! I realized I need to post a new message when I see myself slipping lower and lower on other's blog rolls!!

last weekend was full of activity ~ got a few things accomplished, still have a lot more to do, but it is all coming along nicely :)

my parents helped me a lot and I had them over for dinner on Sunday night. I was cleaning up the kitchen while they were hanging with the kids in the living room and it hit me.
I was happy.
I love being in my own house and making it a home for me and the girls. I am grateful to my parents for everything they do for me - and realize that I need to be a little more tolerant of them. I am so blessed to have such amazing friends and support through all of the good and bad that comes along. *love*

so Monday, we met Wendy and Jill and the girls at a pottery place to paint. The girls had a great time and Ava asks me DAILY about her horse that she painted and why does it have to be 5 days before we can pick it up??? afterwards, we went back to Jill's and the girls (meaning the big girls!) played Rock Band! oh my gosh, that was fun!!! I sucked but it was still fun! We finally made it through a whole song - Beastie Boys!! LOL

Bridget has the girls tonight and then for the weekend. I finally get a whole weekend!! woo hoo!

I am changing my WW meeting for this week to Saturday - I am not completely happy with the Wednesday night leader and I need something different to get me back on track. I am hoping a change of scenery will help. And I'll be honest - I need a couple more days of eating right to hopefully get a good result on the scale too.

I am still on my decorating blog addiction! I am getting so many great ideas for the house. But it is killing me to stay up late reading them! I need an intervention LOL~
Speaking of house stuff, I am getting free furniture for the girls! It belonged to Emily and then Alex & Aidan (family friends' kids) - it includes a bed, armoire and desk with hutch. I will probably paint it all white and get new hardware. I just need to get another bed and mattresses. What a deal!! :) I love FREE!

another Wednesday, another .6 down...

I am trying to stay positive about it. A loss is a loss, right? But this creeping along is killing me!!
I have lost a total of 3.8 lbs since 4/22/09 - it just seems like such a long way to 50!

But more importantly, I am making changes - big changes - in how I am eating and what I am eating. I no longer grab as much fast food and when I do, it is a conscious effort to get something halfway decent...not only because it is less points, but also because I no longer want the junk anymore. So that's good. My mom's side of the family is prone to heart disease and hypertension - I need to take care of myself.

I am feeling ok this week - I have spent time with friends, realized that I can no longer stay up until 4am (LOL), I missed the girls, so I am not too upset that they came home a day early and I am looking forward to a 3 day weekend. I hope to get our backyard stuff done this weekend since it rained last Saturday. Two more days...

fun night...

after our adventure at Bollywood Gay Bingo last month, Jacki, Christene and I needed another reason to get together...and what better reason than a Bollywood movie and yummy Indian food!!!

Christene had to work until 9, so Jacki and I cooked. I say "I" but I was the official chopper and dish rinser LOL! Anyway, Jacki's food rocked!! We had palak paneer (spinach, cheese, veggies) and flat rice with veggies. Christene made gol gappa (little snacks that were puffed shells with a potato mixture in it and you dipped it in a broth). mmm...good stuff!

The movie was fun and Christene was giggling like a school girl over the leading man :)

I had a great time and really enjoyed the company. But it was a late night - I got home around 3 and then couldn't sleep for another hour (my neighbor left a note that my garage door was open and they closed it for me - I must have driven off without checking yesterday morning. Needless to say, I was a little freaked out!!) So here I am yawning at work...I need caffeine!! :)

I am now really jazzed about cooking again - I joke a lot about not knowing how to cook and being incompetent in the kitchen. But I really do enjoy it and want to do more. I am excited to learn new recipes and try them out!

discovery...

When I was in my early 30s, through a series of events, I found out that my father who raised me was not my biological father. Bridget is the one that was given the information and was in agony to have to tell me. But when she did, I was not that surprised and suddenly so many things made sense from my childhood and adolescence. It also kind of "released" me - from the unknown, from the doubts, from the tension. It was many years later that I finally let my father know what I knew - and we were able to come to a different place with each other and let go of the past (for the most part) and move on as daughter and father.

I spent the evening tonight with some friends that I have known for more than 20 years. My "adopted" family who I have been with through joyous times and some sad times, most tragically last year, when Gretchen died. One of the sisters is Bridget's best friend since elementary school. The family knows and loves us as one of their own.

I have not seen any of them since Bridget and I have split, so we had a lot of catching up to do. In one of the conversations, one sister mentioned something about "Bridget is seeing someone, right?" My whole inside shook, but I just said "I don't know" (which I don't). I don't remember the rest of the conversation. I don't know what to think or how to feel. It may or may not be true. It would make so much sense for her behaviour. It would be the reality that this is over.

But it also, once again, releases me from the unknown, the doubt and the tension. I am living my own life now and making decisions for the girls and myself. I am sad but not as sad as one would expect. It actually has made me feel a little stronger, so I am going to take that and use it.

I am doing the Komen 5K...

I just registered for the Komen Race for the Cure 5K on June 6th! I am so excited - this is the first of the 5Ks I hope to do this summer.

And of course, it is the one that matters so much to me right now - as I think about my amazing sister-in-law Jeanette. She is on her way to her chemo appointment as I type this. So much cancer has affected this family ~ it truly breaks my heart to have missed meeting their incredible mother. I would have loved to see her as a grandmother to the girls today. But Jeanette and Aunt Liz are changing the course of cancer history within their family...they are survivors! Strong, resilient, beautiful survivors :) I love them very much and this is one small step for me to honor them.

Please visit my personal page if you'd like to donate! Thank you!!
http://race.komennorthtexas.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=1030&px=1328865

I am feeling like myself again...

just a lot of little things lately, not any one thing in particular, but I am feeling more like "me" again.

I am so excited to get our house in order and decorated, to plan meals and activities for me and the girls, to re-connect with family and friends. I feel like I am coming out of the fog ~ and it is wonderful. :)

I have decided to disconnect a little bit ~ I know that sounds kind of counterproductive. But I need to prioritize my time and use it where it matters most. So I am going to try a little less internet at home and a little less overcommitting to playdates and nights out.

I get the girls back today - I have missed them. I can't wait to show them some goodies I got them from Ikea!

We will work in the yard this weekend ~ plant some flowers, put in the hopscotch grid and rake mulch with our very own kid-size rakes! I'd like to buy or make some bird feeders - we get lots of birds in our yard. I also need to get some ideas for the butterfly garden we want to do. It will be good to be out in the sun and working up a sweat.

wednesday weigh in...

only a .2 loss this week ~ but at least it is still going down. It just seems like a long way to 50 :(

But I know where my weaknesses are and where I need to make the changes...it's just a matter of really being committed to those changes.

1. planning! I just don't have time and I am always scrambling for dinner. I am working on some meal plans and ways to get them done and on the table for all of us.

2. activity! I have a sedentary job - I am on my butt all day. I get so engrossed in my work, I sometimes realize that I haven't gotten up for a long time. I need to set an alarm or an outlook reminder to get up and walk the stairs or walk around the building.

3. quiet! I am overstimulated - I need some down time. I need to quiet my brain for at least a few minutes a day and focus on what I want and what I have.

I will get there ~ I am ready for it. My girls need me to get there, I need me to get there.

I *heart* Ikea...

...especially when I can go there alone and take as long as I want to :)

I spent 2 hours looking at everything. I wanted to see some furniture in person that I am considering. I think I found a few pieces that I really like. I could not find a computer desk though, so still looking for that. Now I need to go back with a truck to get said pieces.

But I did get some cookware and some wine glasses and lots of little things that I didn't even know I "needed" LOL!

It was fun and I am exhausted...I think I will break in those wine glasses tonight ;)

kid free nights...

The girls are with Bridget tonight and Wednesday night. I love having a couple of nights to myself during the week - I haven't used them for just "me time" yet. I either have someone to visit or something to take care of. But I still enjoy the ability to do what I need to do. Now to work in some weekend time as well!

I did feel badly this morning - Ava and I had a rough start and were running late and I was frustrated. It is not their fault. I need to spend some time planning our routine and getting things in order. I will use this week to take care of some things that I hope will help. I want to plan meals, set up a responsibility chart for the girls, make a list of things to pack for their overnights with B, stuff like that. It is silly for me to run around crazy in the mornings - we can take care of a lot of the prep work the night before.

I am hoping to get some furniture shopping done this weekend and will have a "place" for everything. It is hard to organize when I don't have the proper storage spaces. My BIL and SILs offered to help me paint and put together my Ikea finds. I will definitely take them up on it!

I have eaten fairly well the past couple of days and have lots of veggies planned for today and tomorrow. My mouth is watering thinking about my california rolls for lunch today :)
Fingers crossed for a good weigh in tomorrow night!!

Mother's Day 2009...

Bridget and I spent the day with the girls for Mother's Day. The girls picked out a singing Spongebob card for her (yes, a SB Mother's Day card LOL). I picked up a couple of gift cards "from the girls" for her as well. Bridget got me a beautiful card with a nice note...no gift, but I am not bitter HA HA.

We went to the butterfly exhibit and the girls had a blast. Ava is my bug charmer - she loves worms and butterflies and doodle bugs! We were supposed to meet family at El Fenix but it got cancelled.

So we made a stop to Lowe's and I bought myself some mulch and a rake :). I also bought 10 square pavers to make a hopscotch grid for the girls in the backyard. I bought them their own little rakes too, to help me rake the mulch. I am so excited to start working on our backyard...I have plans for a butterfly garden and a salsa garden in the big terracotta pots. I am on the hunt for patio furniture and a small scale swingset.

The girls and I then headed out to visit Jeanette and Aidan. I hadn't seen J since her mastectomy about a month ago :( She looks great and we had a wonderful visit. I am only about 20 minutes away now and will make a point to see her more often. I miss her.

We got home late and picked up fast food to eat - I ended my day at -25 points! Yikes!! But I will do better this week and hope for a good weigh in on Wednesday.

my friend is having another giveaway!

I love her stuff and her site is awesome too :)

http://bagbybunch.blogspot.com/2009/05/another-giveaway.html

two quotes that I really like...

"to the world, you may be just one person; but to one person, you may be the world (anon)"

"every ending leads to a new beginning"


Good to remember...


Happy Friday!! :)

a little success...

Weight Watchers weigh in last night = down 2.6 lbs!! yippee!
My total is 3lbs since 4/22. :)

Bridget met me after the meeting to drop off the girls. They had a couple of nights with her and gave me a little break. I missed them but enjoyed my time off. We had a nice dinner at Chili's - Melody joined us too. Bridget and I are getting along and it feels good.

I am settling into my new life ~ I finally feel like I can breathe and relax a little. I was on the go so much the past few months. Now I am ready to make our house a cozy and comfortable place filled with friends and family and memories. I am looking forward to finding my groove and enjoying my favorite things again.

A huge thank you to all my amazing friends who keep showering me with support and love. I am forever grateful *love*

check out this giveaway on a friend's blog...

very cute pendants!

http://bagbybunch.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-first-giveaway-scrabble-tile-pendant.html

smells and memories...

I am cooking a meal for my wonderful friend Stacey ~ she just had a beautiful baby boy Christopher Michael.

It is Pioneer Woman's Chicken Spaghetti. One thing to know about me...I love everything about food and cooking and tools to cook with ~ I even love to read cookbooks for pleasure! But I don't think I am a very good cook. So it is a big deal when I cook and accept the possibility of the person not liking it! ha ha

Anyway, I was sauteing the onion and bell pepper and thought about how it is one of my favorite smells. Then a memory hit me...

I had an apartment in Euless when Bridget and I got together. I loved that little place. It was so quiet and since it was upstairs, I could leave the windows open. I had a meal that I used to cook all the time that included bell peppers and onions. I remembered the first time I cooked for Bridget - it was the beginning of the relationship and I was scared of what was happening. Scared to let myself fall in love with someone and feel so vulnerable. I liked being alone. I liked my routine. But I knew that I was also searching for something that was missing in my life.

So here I am, again in my own little place, alone (for the next couple of nights anyway) and feeling a little scared and vulnerable. But I am stronger now and I know what it feels like to open yourself up and let someone love you and to love them back. No matter what happens, I am forever grateful to Bridget for that.

good weekend...

So I thought I would write a happy post after my downer one last week :)

I had a great weekend. Nothing spectacular, but I enjoyed it.

I had a fun Pampered Chef party at my place, enjoyed great company and a yummy dessert!
My girls had fun with the kids that came and it wore them out, which is always a plus.
We had terrible thunderstorms for the rest of the day and it was wonderful to just stay home and have nowhere to go.

Sunday, we went to a Rylie's birthday party at a gymnastics center. My girls were so shy and moody for the first 30 minutes. Once they warmed up, it was time to go to the party room. Zoe loved jumping on the trampoline floor. I am going to see about classes there. I think they would both enjoy it. I met Jennifer and Rylie for the first time - and I love them both. They are both very funny and outgoing. I hope to spend more time with them.

Today, I packed up the girls' stuff for them to stay with Bridget for a couple of nights. Ahhh, I get the next 2-3 nights to myself. I am giddy with excitement. Maybe I will FINALLY take a bath in my fabulous tub and look out the skylight at the stars ~ with a glass of the wine that Tracey brought me ;)

Happy Monday, ya'll~

I need a break...

...seriously I am absolutely worn out ~ physically, emotionally, mentally.

I am feeling overwhelmed right now and not doing a good job with anything.

I feel like I am not being a good friend to others who need support right now, I dont feel like a good mom to my girls and I don't feel like I am being good to myself. ugh...just need to get it out.

I am happy today is Friday - I need the weekend.

I am also weaning off my meds (with dr approval this time) and I am unsure if it is the right thing or not. I want to try something a little more natural but wonder if it is really enough for right now. I am the biggest supporter of meds/therapy, but I can't help but hate the idea of HAVING to be on something.

I know once I settle into a routine with the girls and the house, it will be easier. Right now, everything seems so scattered and I am constantly disappointed in others not following through.

In other news, I made my first mortgage payment today ~ only 359 more to go! LOL

down but not out...

I only lost .4 lbs this week :(

But I know why I didn't lose more and know where I should have made different choices.

I will drink more water, eat more protein and do some activity daily.

I plan to do great next weigh in!!

Congrats to Tracey and Melody for their losses - you are both doing great!! :)

need more time...

I feel like I have so much to do and just can't get anything done. I am still trying to figure out my daily commute and routine. I hate that the girls have to be in the car so much driving to Irving and back home. But it is temporary - Ava starts school in the fall and I will see about putting Zoe in a part time program at the same time.

I am hosting a Pampered Chef party on Saturday and am still stressing a little bit about the house not being the way I want it. I told myself it was ok but I wanted to at least have furniture by now LOL!

Ava just called me - she wants me to come home :( I asked her if everything was ok and she said yes, she just wanted to be with me. I wish I didn't have to work. I think she is going through a growth spurt right now and has been kind of emotional about lots of things.

A funny about Ava: she is an infomercial junkie! She told me we need to get BumpIts for her hair, TopsyTurvy to grow tomatoes (but she won't eat them) and she MUST have that toothpaste holder thing. Once we were in Target and she saw some herb planter thing and was reciting the commercial! And she was beside herself when she saw an AquaGlobe in the plant the former house owners left us!!
hmmm...maybe we watch a little too much tv??? :)

I am supposed to weigh in at WW tonight - I am sure I have a loss. I was premenstrual last week (TMI, sorry) and had Chinese for lunch. But I have been good about tracking my points and meals - and I have consciously made some better decisions about what I am eating. I do need to eat more veggies and milk/dairy and I need to be mindful of the little bites here and there (they do add up!).

Happy Wednesday ~

random weekend stuff...

well, I had plans to go furniture shopping on Saturday, specifically at Ikea. But Bridget was late picking up the girls and it messed up my schedule. So I settled for a quick trip to Target (again) and got a few household things.

Then it was off to meet Jacki and Christene for Bollywood Gay Bingo!!! Oh my gosh - that was so much fun!! Seriously, Henry Ramirez is a rock star for putting this event together every month. The icing on the cake was that I won $120 on one of the last games ~ woo hoo!!
We had a great thai dinner afterwards and I slept like a baby in my big comfy bed!

So to add to the annoyance, Bridget showed up with the girls at 9:30am! Really??? Since when does she wake up early enough to have the girls up and home by 9:30??? So again, my schedule was messed up. I think we really need to formalize a schedule and times. Right now, it is just all for her convenience. Yeah, that won't work for me! LOL

We went to Kylie's pajama birthday party and had a blast! Micki and Todd did a great job from the pillowcase craft project to the "pancake" cake! I only thought the girls were worn out, but once we got home, we played outside with the neighbor kids for about 2 hours. I let them run themselves ragged...after dinner and good bath, both girls crashed! That is a good day for me :)

I had a decent Weight Watchers weekend - although I had -18 points on Saturday :(
But I got back on track after that and I have made some good choices for my food. I am hoping for a loss on Wednesday - something to keep me going. Although my goals this week were to track my food, drink water and eat meals - so anything other than that is good with me.

Weight Watchers

So today is my first day back on the WW track. I get 24 daily points and 35 extra points a week.

I have found that I have 2 things to work on:

1. I don't eat throughout the day. I just ate my lunch at 1pm and did not have anything before that since last night's dinner. Especially during the work week, if I don't eat first thing before I get started, I just lose track of time.

2. Portion control. I really have a distorted perception of portion size. I need to be diligent about measuring and counting until I can do it out of habit.

But I am excited about having a plan - I know this works. Bridget and I lost a good amount of weight on it a few years ago. This plus getting back into some daily activity will be good for me!

one step forward, two steps back...

...but I am not going to let it get to me!

I had a fun night at bunco last night with a great group of women!! I went home and puttered around for a while and finally went to sleep all by myself in my big comfy bed. I looked over and realized that Ava forgot "Old Blue", her pillow! But luckily Mom has a spare and she did fine. I snuggled up to Blue and fell fast asleep :)

Tonight is my first Weight Watchers meeting (well, not really my "first", I went a few years ago). I need some accountability to finally get this weight off! I am hoping weekly weigh-ins will help. Wendy and I are also going to do Saturday morning weigh-ins and help each other. So I have no excuse now! I do need to get my treadmill out of storage and to the house soon!

Also, today is Earth Day ~ what "green" changes have you made in your daily life?
I am recycling more now that I have a big recycling bin in the garage that gets picked up once a week. I am also slightly addicted to re-usable shopping bags. I use them for everything!!

yikes ~ 2 weeks since my last post!

See what happens when you turn 42??? LOL

Things are going well, I think. I feel pretty scattered most of the time but only because I have so much I want to get done and not enough time. But everything will get there in time...I need to just slow down and enjoy the process.

The girls love this house and so do I. It feels so amazing to stop and look around and know that this is "home". My family came over today and I loved having them here. I have a crazy relationship with my parents and brothers. But today, I really enjoyed them and was happy to have them here.

I am also having some mixed feelings about Bridget. We talked last week and I felt like she finally heard me and what I was trying to express to her about some of our issues these past 17 years. It felt good to get it all out and really be heard. She helped me load up some stuff and take it to the house. When we left each other, we hugged for a long time and I started crying. It felt so final.
She brought dinner over on Wednesday and we had a good visit. She also brought breakfast this morning and we went shopping for new carseats for Ava. When she left, she hugged me and said she missed me. I told her that I missed her too - and I do. I don't know what will happen in the future. There definitely needs to be a lot of work for us to have a healthy relationship. Maybe time away will truly make us appreciate each other and want to be together again. And if not, at least we can have a good relationship for the girls.

I am 42 years old today...

I am not sad about being the age that I am , but I am sad at how fast the past 20 years have flown by. I know that all of my experiences have made me the person I am, good and bad.
So I cherish all those years and all the people who have been there along the way. Some are still with me, some are not...

I look forward to this year - I am excited to start anew.

And I really want another tattoo :)

I am the queen of over-commitment!

My mind is reeling with all the things I need to do this weekend!!

I want to get everything done to move into the house and I want to take care of some obligations and I want to have some fun with friends and I want to spend time alone and with my girls...whew!!!!

I know it won't always be like this, but for now, I need to stop and collect my thoughts and make a plan! :)

so...what do you have planned for the weekend?

changed my mind...

I was having headaches and nausea from stopping the meds cold turkey - duh!
I started again and will wean off of them this month. I am still going to try the Luminex and see if it gives me what I need. Thanks for the thoughts and concerns - I do appreciate the love!! :)

ack...meds...

I posted yesterday about stopping my meds, not necessarily on purpose. I ran out and then didn't get by my neighborhood pharmacy (that I adore but it closes at 7 and is not open on Sundays!). so I was feeling ok and decided that maybe I didn't really need them - I was on the lowest dose. anyway, last night, it really hit me. the last couple of days, I could feel the old irritations just under the surface. I was getting easily annoyed by everything the girls were doing. I let things that Bridget did/didn't do bother me all over again.
So it is apparent that the meds were doing what they were supposed to. I know better than to stop cold turkey and I didn't call my doctor to tell him.
But I have decided to try something a little more natural - I have some Luminex (from Melaleuca) on order and will try those out. I am still not going to refill my meds because you are not supposed to mix. I am going to try to wait it out until next week. I just need to try to focus and keep my cool. I do not want to take any of this out on the girls.

breathe...

edited to add: I will call my doctor today and fess up. I don't want anyone to worry ;)

do you ever feel bad for feeling good???

I am not sure if I will explain this well or not...
I almost feel like I should be worse off than I am right now - if only to prove my love to Bridget and our life together the past 17 years, KWIM?

I was devastated when Bridget told me how unhappy she was and was wanting to get out. I hated that she was so selfish and self-centered to not go on with the life we had planned. How dare she do this to the girls and to me.

But as time goes on, I am able to see things a little more clearly. I see that I did not put 100% into this relationship and didn't make us a priority. I do not take 100% of the blame though and we are both responsible for the ups and downs. I still wish that we could have the life we both hoped for. But for now, we are going our separate ways. We will always be connected, not only because of the girls but also because of our time together.

But I feel good right now. I am so proud of myself for what I have done. I have a home for me and the girls. I am making time for myself now. I am reaching out to friends and family. I am feeling strong for the first time in a long time.

I am trying my best not to feel guilty about it. Guilt is such a nuisance, isn't it?

So here is my PSA for the day:
Be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished. Do not feel guilty for any of it. Continue to grow and nourish your soul. Reach out to others and help however you can.

I am feeling a little bit mushy today, but it's all good.

sorry that I have been behind on posting!

busy and exciting times!!!

Saturday, Bridget and I loaded up a bunch of boxes from the storage unit and took them to the house. I also got my new stainless steel appliances installed. *swoon* they are gorgeous!!

I had a few visitors as well...Melody & Kim and the triplets were my first official visitors :)
Sage, Levi and Jillian gave the new digs a thumbs up! Since they only live 1/2 a mile away, we expect to see them quite a bit.

Wendy and Jill also came by with Taylor and Katie. It was fabulous to have the house full of kids running up and down the stairs and playing together. It made my heart feel good to know that this will be the first of many, many days like that.

We ended the busy day with dinner at Pei Wei *yum* and the girls crashed on the way home!!

Sunday, I had plans to clean and buy a bed. I did neither, but I did buy the cleaning supplies and got them to the house. I priced a bed and it was much too expensive, so I keep looking. Micki and Kylie stopped by and had a nice visit.

The girls spent the afternoon at Jill's to play with Taylor and Katie. It was a gorgeous day and they had so much fun.

So, back to my bed dilemma! I thought how ridiculous it was to spend so much money on a metal frame and box springs, so I put a call out to my DAM village. In the span of a few hours, I got a frame and 2 box springs for $25 total!! Now I can spend a little more on a great mattress that will last me and that I love.

I will definitely put out the word for more things that I need - I would rather give the money to my mamas and save a little money in the process!

So, the plan is have my bed and be sleeping in my new house this weekend!!! yippee!!

************************************************
Another thing, I ran out of my meds last week and have not picked up my prescription. I think I was on such a small dosage that it is not really necessary. I don't think I will continue with them. Instead I think I will try something more natural. I feel like I am doing ok and will continue my therapy, but without meds.

wonderful friends and telling the girls...

I spent last night with some amazing friends ~ they helped me with a minor meltdown and showed me some love. I lost it over my Sam's membership of all things...long story but I am fine now. I was very content to hang with my friends over dinner and wine (and a DVR'd episode of NCIS!). Thank you Micki and Stacey (and Alex)...love you guys :)


So Bridget and I went to the new house today ~ our plan was to finally tell the girls about us splitting. I was a little nervous about Bridget's reaction to the place, wondering if she would like it or "approve" of it. WTH? It's my place and I love it! Anyway, she liked it but hated that it had stairs. I told her that I was planning to get a couple of gates anyway.

So we spent some time at the fabulous park behind our house and let the girls run off some energy. Then we went inside and told them we wanted to talk to them. I was so nervous - I soon realized that Bridget was waiting for ME to talk, so I did. It took all of about 10 minutes and the girls were fine. I know they are young and don't understand all the details, but they know that we love them and they still have their whole family behind them.

So, now we can plan openly about the future and involve the girls...whew!

I did it ~ I am officially a homeowner!!!

It is amazing how the past few months have come to this point!!! The closing well went - I ended up paying about $2500 LESS than originally planned! So I can now get my new kitchen appliances without feeling guilty :)

I got to see Monika (the seller) and really hope to keep in touch. We got along so well and her family is so cute.

I also just love Traci, my realtor. She got me a housewarming gift - yummy bath stuff for my new awesome tub with the skylight over it!! Then we went to Mi Cocina for a margarita to celebrate. What a great friend :)

I cannot say it enough but thanks to everyone for your amazing thoughts and prayers and good wishes. I really give credit to the support over the past months for getting me through it with strength and peace. Love you all!!

bunco night

I went to bunco last night - love getting together with friends and meeting new people! And I won the roll-off for most buncos ~ $20!!!

I can't wait to have my turn to host in October...at my new house :)


On another note, Bridget and I are going to talk to the girls this weekend. I am NOT looking forward to it but am ready to give them some time to soak it all in. I am asking for strength and peace for all of us - thanks!

not closing today...

the final review of paperwork is taking a little bit of time, so we should close tomorrow or Thursday...kind of disappointing but it's ok!

I mean, what is another day or 2 when I will have 30 years of mortgage payments, right?? LOL

great weekend and exciting week ahead!

This was a busy, busy weekend!

Friday night, I met some DAM moms for dinner out at Olive Garden. We left around 8:30 and I didn't want to go home yet, so yep, I headed to Target again *giggle* I needed a baby shower gift anyway.

Saturday, I met Wendy at our meeting and I was glad to be there again - I had missed the last couple of weeks. Afterwards, I took Wendy with me to the hair playdate at Jacki's, which is always a fun time - even if you don't get your hair done! Lots of good friends and fun babies!!

I went home and spent some time with the girls before taking them to my parent's house to spend the night. We had knitting night planned at Stacey's house but it was really a surprise baby shower for her :)! It was a lot of fun and I learned a new fun card game!!!

Sunday, I slept until 11am! No one else was home and it was so nice to relax as long as I needed to! I spent the rest of the day cleaning up a bit and spending time with the girls.

As we went to sleep last night, Zoe said to me "I am so excited about our new house!" Me too, sweetie!! :)

Speaking of, we close tomorrow!! What a wonderful, lucky day!!!

17

17 years ago, I was 24 years old and was living a busy single life. I enjoyed my friends and my alone time equally. But I always felt like I was searching for something ~ just didn't know what it was. Little did I know how meeting a friend for drinks at SueEllen's that night would change my life. We talked easily over beers and listening to the band. As we left that night, she asked me for a kiss. It was a sweet peck on the lips.

7 years ago, we had a wonderful celebration of our union. It included all of our family and friends and made us feel loved and supported.

About 17 weeks ago, my life changed again. I am now searching for something again. I am searching for strength and peace in this new path. I need to find myself. I need to know that I am lovable and I will survive.

This change has been bittersweet. It has allowed me to look inward and to reach outward. I hope to continue this growth and look forward to being me again.

fun weekend

well aside from a few meltdowns from the girls...anyone interested in a couple of cute, but "spirited" girls???

Saturday, we went to the Dallas Zoo ~ yes, it was freezing cold and windy! Ava has wanted to ride the train (DART rail) and it stops right across the street from the zoo. We met Karri and Imogene there and had a nice time. Unfortunately because of the cold, there were not many animals out. But they have a fun children's area and we spent most of our time there.
I am going to see about getting a family membership to the zoo and other local venues - I would rather put money into that than another damn Barbie! LOL

Saturday night, Bridget came home and I was able to go pick up a couple of things that I bought from a DAMer. I decided not to rush back home - I needed some time to breathe. But it was too late to call anyone to meet for dinner or drinks, so I just went to Target and walked up and down all the aisles, looking at clearance stuff! HA HA! Yeah, I am pretty wild!! The good news is I only left there with a couple of packs of marked down notecards ($7) and got a few ideas for decorating the new house.

Sunday, we got free tickets to see Sesame Street Live at Nokia. It was pretty cool - we had suite tickets and VIP parking. But for this kind of show, it is better to be closer. The characters were walking the aisles and talking with the audience. Ava LOVED Prairie Dawn and was so sad that she couldn't hug her :( Ava and Zoe both loved the show - and I was just as excited when I saw the same "people" that I grew up with on the stage!
And FYI, the money we saved on tickets and parking were well spent on $10 Elmo balloons and overpriced chicken fingers :) But it was a fun time...

After a nice 2 hour nap with Zoe, I got motivated to clean. I am going through the toys and stuff and getting rid of what I can. I want to start fresh in the new place...everything in it's place kind of thing! Wish me luck!!

Computer is still off being repaired - so still no internet at home. But I should get it back this week with a new hard drive. It has actually been a nice break and I am trying to be more productive.

quick update...will post pics soon

inspection went well (yay!) ~ seller is having foundation work done this week. we already knew all of that so some of the issues on the report will be resolved when that is complete. everything else is workable and not affecting my decision at all. :)

this is really it! I am getting my very own house in a month!!!
I took the girls to see it yesterday and they loved it! of course, I had to pry them away from Andrew's toys and repeatedly told them the house does not include the toys...ha ha
They loved the backyard and the park behind our house. They already picked out which room would be their bedroom and which was the playroom. They have decided that they will take all baths in my big bath tub. I can't wait to make this a home for us.

I do have pictures on my mom's camera - just need to figure out how to upload them...will do soon!

thanks to everyone for your kind words ~ I really appreciate it so much *hugs*

things are moving fast around here :)

~check for earnest money sent to title company
~all my application paperwork signed and sent to mortgage company
~home inspection tomorrow morning

then I cross my fingers and wait :)

hoping to close on March 17th - what a great way to spend St. Patrick's Day!! depending on Monika's work plans, she may be out by that date or will have to stay until the end of the month. I am planning for the first weekend of April ~ just in time for my 42nd birthday!!

I am taking the girls to see the house on Sunday and will take lots of pictures then. I can't wait for their reaction to their new house :) They are going to love it!!

so I can finally say it...I got the house!!!

I am so excited, relieved, overwhelmed!!!

I have been thinking about how things have played out the past couple of months. I had a therapy appointment today and realized so many things during that session. I am blessed. I have so many things to be thankful for. Yes, I am mourning the loss of my 17 year relationship and everything that goes along with it. But I am also proud of my strength and focus. I knew I had to take care of myself to be able to take care of the girls. I am ready to find myself again - I have missed "me".

So back to how things have happened...I have met and become close to some amazing friends, many from DAM (local mom's message board). From that board have come many opportunities and resources and ideas...including the latest: a simple post about a house for sale in Carrollton!
I knew the name, although she didn't post much. But when I met her, I felt like we had known each other for a long time. And when I walked in that house, I just knew it was meant to be ours.

I can't wait for playdates with the kids, dinners with friends and bubble baths when I have some time to myself! Thank you for the thoughts and prayers...thank you for the support...thank you for being my friends ~ I am blessed :)

I am a nervous wreck...

I cannot think about anything but the house today! By all accounts, everything looks good to go. Brad (realtor, Traci's husband) and seller agreed on a price - just waiting for them to send back the signed contract!

I think about how to paint, what kind of furniture to get, where I will hang my calendar! LOL


I am also nervous because we will have to talk to the girls soon. I have been telling them about looking at houses and that I found a great house for us. I haven't said anything about Mama being there too. I think Ava might be sensing what is going on to some degree.

It is going to break my heart to tell them. Although they are probably better able to handle it than I am giving them credit for...

Hope to have an update soon...fingers still crossed!

sunday...

I told you it was a busy weekend~

so I started this day picking up a couple of things that I had bought from DAMers (Angie now knows that is not a lesbian term! ha ha). I finally got to meet Nicole and her girls!! I bought cute matching bedding for my girls - I hope this will entice them to sleep in their own beds once we move.

then off to meet Brooke for a cool printer/scanner/photo printer machine I bought - can't wait to use it for printing pictures!

since I was in the neighborhood, I called my poor neglected friend Amanda and asked if I could pop in for a quick visit. She is one of my favorite people - even though we don't have the same opinions about some things - she is a riot and genuinely kind and generous!

then off to Wylie (!) to see my friend Alison and her new baby girl Eleanor. I picked up some dinner for the family and got to hold the baby for a while. I have always liked Alison - she is so gentle and laid back. Her husband seemed to have the same kind of temperment and was so nice to talk to. Her kids are adorable and I hope to get them together with Ava and Zoe soon - I think they would get along great!

I actually had a couple of other plans for the day but was so beat from all that driving that I just had to go home! so rainchecks for Cheryl and Wendy :)

saturday...

I felt like I spent all weekend in my car!! But I got a lot done and saw some good friends, so it was worth it! :)

Saturday, I woke the girls up to give them their Valentine's presents. I got some cute red purses at the Target Dollar Spot (love that!) and filled them with goodies: Valentine shirt, Kelly dolls, books, little stuffed horse with a heart on the rump, and a couple of other little trinkets - and only one piece of candy, a heart lollipop! They loved them and I wanted to be sure and spend a little time with them since they would be with Bridget most of the weekend.

After my al-anon meeting, I met Traci to look at a couple of houses. I was so disappointed in the one I was really excited about. You just can't tell by the pictures online. So we talked and Traci convinced me that the right one would come along and to be patient (not my strong suit). We had a nice talk over coffee at Starbucks and I am so glad I chose her and Brad to help me with this journey. It's scary and I need someone I can trust. :)

So then I was off to see M&K and the triplets again - because who can get enough of cute babies??? They fed me lots of yummy food and I had a great visit! It was musical babies most of the afternoon - holding, playing, feeding, sleeping. I loved every minute of it!

I also drove .5 miles away to see the other house I was excited about - the one not listed yet.
Let me just say this...I suck at keeping a poker face! I LOVED this house!!! As I drove up, I thougt about the cute curb appeal. Then when I walked up to the house and walked in - I just knew it was the right one. I immediately could see the girls and I living there. The backyard is too die for - absolutely perfect for us. And the houses back up to a semi-private park with walking trails...so cool! So now we start the process and hope it all works as it should ~ I would love some prayers, good thoughts, positive vibes, whatever you got!

I ended the day the same way it started...in bed with my beautiful girls and telling them how much I love them.

"change happens, deal with it"

of all places...this is a quote by Jaime Pressly in this month's Shape magazine! But I am going to make this my motto for now.

I was in a foul mood ~ Bridget is gone more than she is home. I was tired and resentful of having to do everything myself. But I thought about a few of my single mama friends and those whose significant others are gone a lot. I realized that they do what needs to be done every day and night because they have to - and so do I. I need to just deal with it! Amazing what a change of attitude can do to lighten the load :)

Happy Friday, ya'll!!

fingers crossed...

I have found a handful of homes in Carrollton to look at this weekend - including one that fell in my lap from a DAMer! Well, not so much fell, but pushed by Micki! ha ha

I am beyond ready to be in my own place, so I am hopeful that something comes through soon.
I want to decorate and set up new rooms for the girls. I want to have friends over for dinner and playdates. I want to plant a garden. I am ready!

so frustrated...

I am at odds with how I should be feeling right now.

Bridget was with her sister all weekend ~ she is dealing with cancer and needs help after her chemo treatments. I understand that and I love Jeanette and would help her with anything myself if needed. But there are other siblings and family that can also rotate the weekends. Bridget is not spending time with the girls like she needs to be. Never mind the fact that she is not doing any of the household things that are also necessary for daily life with 2 children. I want to say something but know that it will be taken wrong and completely out of context. I am trying to formulate my thoughts and write something down for her. I think I am going to tell her to take care of the girls this weekend ~ her dad and stepmom want to see the girls anyway. There are so many things that need to be different but I can only be responsible for me and my actions. It makes me sad that I have to tell her these things ~ she should be initiating time with the girls. I know she loves them but she needs to grow up and take responsibility.

I am trying to get in with my therapist this week - I need some direction and help with communication. I am wondering if we should still think about couples' counseling, to help with parenting stuff???

I slept in...

The girls were at mom's last night and Bridget is at Jeanette's this weekend. I slept in this morning until 10am! I cannot remember the last time that happened! Of course, I was up on the computer until 2:30 last night but still!

So now to get ready for the day...we have a birthday party at the Museum of Nature & Science for Imogene ~ she is 2 today!! Happy Birthday, Immy!! :)


I really need to add pictures to this blog ~ I am on the hunt for a digital camera so it should happen soon.

a nice Saturday...

I overslept this morning and missed my Al-anon meeting. But I spent a little time with the girls, knowing that I wouldn't see them tonight, so that was ok.

I took them to mom's while I met Traci to look at a handful of houses. No luck :(
I am a little discouraged. I am afraid that I won't find something I like in my price range and in the area that I want. But I am not lowering my standards - this is the house for long term, while the girls are in school. So it has to be a good fit for us. I am confident that Traci will find something that is just right - I need to work on my patience (not my strong suit!).

I also got a chance to visit my favorite triplets and their mamas ~ my friends M & K and their gorgeous babies who are almost 6 months old now! M met me at the door with a baby and an little overnight suitcase - ha ha! I got to feed Sage and rock her to sleep - what a sweet feeling :) I am in awe of how these babies came to be! It's going to be so fun watching them grow and develop their own little personalities and characteristics. I will try to spread my time between them next time - I need some Levi and Jillian time too!

Then I met a group of friends for dinner and drinks. I knew most of them but there were a couple that I met for the first time. What a fun group! My cheeks hurt from laughing so much!! They were crazy and funny and so welcoming. I am enjoying my time with friends - it is helping me with all of the other stuff going on.

It is still surreal that B & I are splitting. I guess it won't truly hit me until I move out. I am thankful that it is not ugly and we are getting along. We just need to be a united front for the girls and show them all the love they deserve. I don't know how we will eventually tell them but I hope they know how much we love them.

I am going to be 42 in two months...I don't get hung up on age, but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I need to get motivated about getting healthy. I have been doing fairly well on my eating but still need to exercise. The hard part is finding the time (and energy) to fit it in. No excuse will be good enough - I keep looking at friends who have made changes this past year and am so proud of them. Brandie has lost almost 80 lbs! That is amazing ~ I want to do it too.

Speaking of changes, I had one, single, solitary Hershey's kiss on Friday. I had been craving chocolate and co-worker kept filling her dish, so I let myself have one. But it didn't lead me to eat 5 or 10 more like it would have in the past. So I think that is a pretty successful baby step so far...but I have many more to go!

Thinking of Gretchen today...

Today is Gretchen's birthday. It is still hard to believe that she is not here anymore :(
I know she had a rough life and went through more than her share of troubled times. But I am so proud of all of the things she did and the amazing daughters she has. Her laughter will always ring in my heart and my memories. She was definitely the life of every party.

Happy birthday, my friend...you are terribly missed. We all love you!

I have been neglecting the "A" & "Z" part of this blog :)

A couple of funnies from the girls...

We co-sleep and as much as I am ready for my very own bed, I do enjoy the closeness of sleeping with the girls and watching them sleep and hearing them talk & giggle in their sleep.

So this morning, we were all lazing in bed for a few more minutes. Zoe put her head next to mine and said "we're best friends"!

Then I was rubbing my eye or something and lifted the eyelid - apparently my eyeball rolled back and Ava was fascinated. She said "I'm going to have dreams about your eye going away! Do it again!"

I'll remember to post more of these - my girls keep me laughing as much as they make me crazy!! :)

Getting my oxygen...

Wow, today was a really interesting day for me.

Wendy took the morning off - for a much deserved rest :). So I went to the Al-anon meeting on my own for the first time. I had already read the current chapter in our book, which was good because I was 15 minutes late and missed the reading! But I made it for discussion. It was about "taking care of ourselves" ~ pretty timely and appropriate, right???
I was raised with 2 extremes - my mom taking care of everyone else's needs and not her own and my dad who only took care of his needs and no one else. So I saw one as a martyr, who was guilt ridden for even considering her needs and the other as selfish. I am striving to find the "balance" (my favorite word). One example in the book was about the safety rules on an airplane ~ use the oxygen on yourself first, then help the others with theirs.
I need to make sure that I am getting my "oxygen" first (good health, sleep, me time) and then I will be able to take care of those who need me. This is my #1 goal right now. As hard as it will be to put me first, I am going to do it and not feel guilty about it. It makes me a better person, mother, friend.

I also started working on my boundaries today. I dealt with a situation much differently than I had in the past. I started to change my plans to accomodate Bridget, to make things easier for her. As soon as I got off the phone, I felt all that resentment and anger well up inside of me for allowing it to happen. I called her back and calmly explained that I could not change my plans and needed her to fulfill her obligations like we had discussed. I was so proud of myself! She got defensive and a little pissy, but I stood firm.

Lastly, I had a grown-up night out with my very best friend (of 31 years). We went to dinner and had fabulous Thai food and then to the symphony for a wonderful performance! I had explained to the girls earlier that I was going out with Aunt Wendy and that Mommy needed time on her own sometimes. I told them that it made me a better Mommy. While I was getting dressed, Ava was watching me and said "You can go out this time but you can't go out by yourself any more". Ha Ha! punk! She's lucky I love her so much! :)

another week almost gone???

The time is going by so fast...too fast.

I have been dealing with a cold this week - I hate being sick. Now the girls seem to have it. :(
Hopefully we will all be well soon and can enjoy the upcoming weekend!

I am feeling pretty good - empowered actually. I saw my psych this morning for an update on how my meds are working. I definitely feel a difference. I was always worried about not feeling anything on them. But I knew I needed something to help me focus and not overly react to everything. They seem to be doing the trick. Yesterday, I lost my temper a bit about something and Bridget made a remark about my reaction. I could tell she was insinuating that maybe the over the counter meds were affecting my anti-depressents. I honestly thought the same thing, for a minute. Then I came back to my senses and knew that my reaction was valid.
I am so ready to focus on my needs and taking care of myself now. I need to be strong and healthy for my girls.

I also went and looked at a couple of houses today. I loved one in Carrollton - it was so cute and funky. But it was just too small for long term - and the backyard was weird.
The other 3 in Lewisville were not right for us either. But I have just begun the search and will keep looking for the perfect place for us!! I also finally met Traci (my realtor and fellow DAMer). I knew she would be the one to help me this time around - I am glad to have someone I trust!
I did feel a little sad looking at them without Bridget, but I really know this is what I need to do.

Thanks to those of you reading along. At first it felt really weird to want to be so open and raw about these feelings online. But I thought it would be helpful to me and maybe to someone else going through something similar.

I almost forgot: still no candy! and I really don't have the crazy cravings for it like I usually do.

weekend events...

I am finding my voice...finally.

After missing 2 weeks, I was able to make my Al-Anon meeting on Saturday morning again. I really missed it and the group. It helps to have a place to vent and listen and cry. I am thinking about asking someone to be my sponsor - I have a couple of women in the group that I really like. I may give it a little more time though.

I also finally saw my sil, Jeanette. She has had her 3rd chemo treatment and her hair is falling out. Her brother cut her hair into a cute, short shag. It looks adorable on her. But it will probably all be gone within the week. She bought a cute wig and some hats for work. It is still unreal to think of her having cancer. It sucks. Bridget and Rick shaved their heads in support of her. Thank goodness their hair grows back fast! *giggle*



Today I told Bridget that I am going to go ahead and buy a house. She was surprised. I also was asking her about the accounts and what to seperate, etc. She has been waiting for me to be ready to talk about all of it. So I guess I am ready to move on. I need to provide stability for the girls and start living my life.

The girls and I ditched the house cleaning today and went and bought some play sand. They have a water table at my parents' house that has been put away since the summer. So we filled it with sand and made sand castles in January. It was fun! and a little cold!!

Tonight I made $50 on something I listed on Craigslist ~ it went to a couple who were teachers and had a special needs child. I dropped the price down and was happy it went to someone who was excited about it for their child. Then I made the famous crockpot chicken enchiladas that were all the rage on DAM. They were pretty good, but I prefer corn tortillas and will use those next time.

Oh, and lastly, still no candy! woo hoo!!!