Tuesday, March 31, 2009

do you ever feel bad for feeling good???

I am not sure if I will explain this well or not...
I almost feel like I should be worse off than I am right now - if only to prove my love to Bridget and our life together the past 17 years, KWIM?

I was devastated when Bridget told me how unhappy she was and was wanting to get out. I hated that she was so selfish and self-centered to not go on with the life we had planned. How dare she do this to the girls and to me.

But as time goes on, I am able to see things a little more clearly. I see that I did not put 100% into this relationship and didn't make us a priority. I do not take 100% of the blame though and we are both responsible for the ups and downs. I still wish that we could have the life we both hoped for. But for now, we are going our separate ways. We will always be connected, not only because of the girls but also because of our time together.

But I feel good right now. I am so proud of myself for what I have done. I have a home for me and the girls. I am making time for myself now. I am reaching out to friends and family. I am feeling strong for the first time in a long time.

I am trying my best not to feel guilty about it. Guilt is such a nuisance, isn't it?

So here is my PSA for the day:
Be proud of who you are and what you have accomplished. Do not feel guilty for any of it. Continue to grow and nourish your soul. Reach out to others and help however you can.

I am feeling a little bit mushy today, but it's all good.

sorry that I have been behind on posting!

busy and exciting times!!!

Saturday, Bridget and I loaded up a bunch of boxes from the storage unit and took them to the house. I also got my new stainless steel appliances installed. *swoon* they are gorgeous!!

I had a few visitors as well...Melody & Kim and the triplets were my first official visitors :)
Sage, Levi and Jillian gave the new digs a thumbs up! Since they only live 1/2 a mile away, we expect to see them quite a bit.

Wendy and Jill also came by with Taylor and Katie. It was fabulous to have the house full of kids running up and down the stairs and playing together. It made my heart feel good to know that this will be the first of many, many days like that.

We ended the busy day with dinner at Pei Wei *yum* and the girls crashed on the way home!!

Sunday, I had plans to clean and buy a bed. I did neither, but I did buy the cleaning supplies and got them to the house. I priced a bed and it was much too expensive, so I keep looking. Micki and Kylie stopped by and had a nice visit.

The girls spent the afternoon at Jill's to play with Taylor and Katie. It was a gorgeous day and they had so much fun.

So, back to my bed dilemma! I thought how ridiculous it was to spend so much money on a metal frame and box springs, so I put a call out to my DAM village. In the span of a few hours, I got a frame and 2 box springs for $25 total!! Now I can spend a little more on a great mattress that will last me and that I love.

I will definitely put out the word for more things that I need - I would rather give the money to my mamas and save a little money in the process!

So, the plan is have my bed and be sleeping in my new house this weekend!!! yippee!!

Another thing, I ran out of my meds last week and have not picked up my prescription. I think I was on such a small dosage that it is not really necessary. I don't think I will continue with them. Instead I think I will try something more natural. I feel like I am doing ok and will continue my therapy, but without meds.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

wonderful friends and telling the girls...

I spent last night with some amazing friends ~ they helped me with a minor meltdown and showed me some love. I lost it over my Sam's membership of all things...long story but I am fine now. I was very content to hang with my friends over dinner and wine (and a DVR'd episode of NCIS!). Thank you Micki and Stacey (and Alex)...love you guys :)

So Bridget and I went to the new house today ~ our plan was to finally tell the girls about us splitting. I was a little nervous about Bridget's reaction to the place, wondering if she would like it or "approve" of it. WTH? It's my place and I love it! Anyway, she liked it but hated that it had stairs. I told her that I was planning to get a couple of gates anyway.

So we spent some time at the fabulous park behind our house and let the girls run off some energy. Then we went inside and told them we wanted to talk to them. I was so nervous - I soon realized that Bridget was waiting for ME to talk, so I did. It took all of about 10 minutes and the girls were fine. I know they are young and don't understand all the details, but they know that we love them and they still have their whole family behind them.

So, now we can plan openly about the future and involve the girls...whew!

Friday, March 20, 2009

I did it ~ I am officially a homeowner!!!

It is amazing how the past few months have come to this point!!! The closing well went - I ended up paying about $2500 LESS than originally planned! So I can now get my new kitchen appliances without feeling guilty :)

I got to see Monika (the seller) and really hope to keep in touch. We got along so well and her family is so cute.

I also just love Traci, my realtor. She got me a housewarming gift - yummy bath stuff for my new awesome tub with the skylight over it!! Then we went to Mi Cocina for a margarita to celebrate. What a great friend :)

I cannot say it enough but thanks to everyone for your amazing thoughts and prayers and good wishes. I really give credit to the support over the past months for getting me through it with strength and peace. Love you all!!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

bunco night

I went to bunco last night - love getting together with friends and meeting new people! And I won the roll-off for most buncos ~ $20!!!

I can't wait to have my turn to host in October...at my new house :)

On another note, Bridget and I are going to talk to the girls this weekend. I am NOT looking forward to it but am ready to give them some time to soak it all in. I am asking for strength and peace for all of us - thanks!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

not closing today...

the final review of paperwork is taking a little bit of time, so we should close tomorrow or Thursday...kind of disappointing but it's ok!

I mean, what is another day or 2 when I will have 30 years of mortgage payments, right?? LOL

Monday, March 16, 2009

great weekend and exciting week ahead!

This was a busy, busy weekend!

Friday night, I met some DAM moms for dinner out at Olive Garden. We left around 8:30 and I didn't want to go home yet, so yep, I headed to Target again *giggle* I needed a baby shower gift anyway.

Saturday, I met Wendy at our meeting and I was glad to be there again - I had missed the last couple of weeks. Afterwards, I took Wendy with me to the hair playdate at Jacki's, which is always a fun time - even if you don't get your hair done! Lots of good friends and fun babies!!

I went home and spent some time with the girls before taking them to my parent's house to spend the night. We had knitting night planned at Stacey's house but it was really a surprise baby shower for her :)! It was a lot of fun and I learned a new fun card game!!!

Sunday, I slept until 11am! No one else was home and it was so nice to relax as long as I needed to! I spent the rest of the day cleaning up a bit and spending time with the girls.

As we went to sleep last night, Zoe said to me "I am so excited about our new house!" Me too, sweetie!! :)

Speaking of, we close tomorrow!! What a wonderful, lucky day!!!

Monday, March 9, 2009


17 years ago, I was 24 years old and was living a busy single life. I enjoyed my friends and my alone time equally. But I always felt like I was searching for something ~ just didn't know what it was. Little did I know how meeting a friend for drinks at SueEllen's that night would change my life. We talked easily over beers and listening to the band. As we left that night, she asked me for a kiss. It was a sweet peck on the lips.

7 years ago, we had a wonderful celebration of our union. It included all of our family and friends and made us feel loved and supported.

About 17 weeks ago, my life changed again. I am now searching for something again. I am searching for strength and peace in this new path. I need to find myself. I need to know that I am lovable and I will survive.

This change has been bittersweet. It has allowed me to look inward and to reach outward. I hope to continue this growth and look forward to being me again.

Monday, March 2, 2009

fun weekend

well aside from a few meltdowns from the girls...anyone interested in a couple of cute, but "spirited" girls???

Saturday, we went to the Dallas Zoo ~ yes, it was freezing cold and windy! Ava has wanted to ride the train (DART rail) and it stops right across the street from the zoo. We met Karri and Imogene there and had a nice time. Unfortunately because of the cold, there were not many animals out. But they have a fun children's area and we spent most of our time there.
I am going to see about getting a family membership to the zoo and other local venues - I would rather put money into that than another damn Barbie! LOL

Saturday night, Bridget came home and I was able to go pick up a couple of things that I bought from a DAMer. I decided not to rush back home - I needed some time to breathe. But it was too late to call anyone to meet for dinner or drinks, so I just went to Target and walked up and down all the aisles, looking at clearance stuff! HA HA! Yeah, I am pretty wild!! The good news is I only left there with a couple of packs of marked down notecards ($7) and got a few ideas for decorating the new house.

Sunday, we got free tickets to see Sesame Street Live at Nokia. It was pretty cool - we had suite tickets and VIP parking. But for this kind of show, it is better to be closer. The characters were walking the aisles and talking with the audience. Ava LOVED Prairie Dawn and was so sad that she couldn't hug her :( Ava and Zoe both loved the show - and I was just as excited when I saw the same "people" that I grew up with on the stage!
And FYI, the money we saved on tickets and parking were well spent on $10 Elmo balloons and overpriced chicken fingers :) But it was a fun time...

After a nice 2 hour nap with Zoe, I got motivated to clean. I am going through the toys and stuff and getting rid of what I can. I want to start fresh in the new place...everything in it's place kind of thing! Wish me luck!!

Computer is still off being repaired - so still no internet at home. But I should get it back this week with a new hard drive. It has actually been a nice break and I am trying to be more productive.