Saturday, January 31, 2009

Getting my oxygen...

Wow, today was a really interesting day for me.

Wendy took the morning off - for a much deserved rest :). So I went to the Al-anon meeting on my own for the first time. I had already read the current chapter in our book, which was good because I was 15 minutes late and missed the reading! But I made it for discussion. It was about "taking care of ourselves" ~ pretty timely and appropriate, right???
I was raised with 2 extremes - my mom taking care of everyone else's needs and not her own and my dad who only took care of his needs and no one else. So I saw one as a martyr, who was guilt ridden for even considering her needs and the other as selfish. I am striving to find the "balance" (my favorite word). One example in the book was about the safety rules on an airplane ~ use the oxygen on yourself first, then help the others with theirs.
I need to make sure that I am getting my "oxygen" first (good health, sleep, me time) and then I will be able to take care of those who need me. This is my #1 goal right now. As hard as it will be to put me first, I am going to do it and not feel guilty about it. It makes me a better person, mother, friend.

I also started working on my boundaries today. I dealt with a situation much differently than I had in the past. I started to change my plans to accomodate Bridget, to make things easier for her. As soon as I got off the phone, I felt all that resentment and anger well up inside of me for allowing it to happen. I called her back and calmly explained that I could not change my plans and needed her to fulfill her obligations like we had discussed. I was so proud of myself! She got defensive and a little pissy, but I stood firm.

Lastly, I had a grown-up night out with my very best friend (of 31 years). We went to dinner and had fabulous Thai food and then to the symphony for a wonderful performance! I had explained to the girls earlier that I was going out with Aunt Wendy and that Mommy needed time on her own sometimes. I told them that it made me a better Mommy. While I was getting dressed, Ava was watching me and said "You can go out this time but you can't go out by yourself any more". Ha Ha! punk! She's lucky I love her so much! :)

Thursday, January 29, 2009

another week almost gone???

The time is going by so fast...too fast.

I have been dealing with a cold this week - I hate being sick. Now the girls seem to have it. :(
Hopefully we will all be well soon and can enjoy the upcoming weekend!

I am feeling pretty good - empowered actually. I saw my psych this morning for an update on how my meds are working. I definitely feel a difference. I was always worried about not feeling anything on them. But I knew I needed something to help me focus and not overly react to everything. They seem to be doing the trick. Yesterday, I lost my temper a bit about something and Bridget made a remark about my reaction. I could tell she was insinuating that maybe the over the counter meds were affecting my anti-depressents. I honestly thought the same thing, for a minute. Then I came back to my senses and knew that my reaction was valid.
I am so ready to focus on my needs and taking care of myself now. I need to be strong and healthy for my girls.

I also went and looked at a couple of houses today. I loved one in Carrollton - it was so cute and funky. But it was just too small for long term - and the backyard was weird.
The other 3 in Lewisville were not right for us either. But I have just begun the search and will keep looking for the perfect place for us!! I also finally met Traci (my realtor and fellow DAMer). I knew she would be the one to help me this time around - I am glad to have someone I trust!
I did feel a little sad looking at them without Bridget, but I really know this is what I need to do.

Thanks to those of you reading along. At first it felt really weird to want to be so open and raw about these feelings online. But I thought it would be helpful to me and maybe to someone else going through something similar.

I almost forgot: still no candy! and I really don't have the crazy cravings for it like I usually do.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

weekend events...

I am finding my voice...finally.

After missing 2 weeks, I was able to make my Al-Anon meeting on Saturday morning again. I really missed it and the group. It helps to have a place to vent and listen and cry. I am thinking about asking someone to be my sponsor - I have a couple of women in the group that I really like. I may give it a little more time though.

I also finally saw my sil, Jeanette. She has had her 3rd chemo treatment and her hair is falling out. Her brother cut her hair into a cute, short shag. It looks adorable on her. But it will probably all be gone within the week. She bought a cute wig and some hats for work. It is still unreal to think of her having cancer. It sucks. Bridget and Rick shaved their heads in support of her. Thank goodness their hair grows back fast! *giggle*

Today I told Bridget that I am going to go ahead and buy a house. She was surprised. I also was asking her about the accounts and what to seperate, etc. She has been waiting for me to be ready to talk about all of it. So I guess I am ready to move on. I need to provide stability for the girls and start living my life.

The girls and I ditched the house cleaning today and went and bought some play sand. They have a water table at my parents' house that has been put away since the summer. So we filled it with sand and made sand castles in January. It was fun! and a little cold!!

Tonight I made $50 on something I listed on Craigslist ~ it went to a couple who were teachers and had a special needs child. I dropped the price down and was happy it went to someone who was excited about it for their child. Then I made the famous crockpot chicken enchiladas that were all the rage on DAM. They were pretty good, but I prefer corn tortillas and will use those next time.

Oh, and lastly, still no candy! woo hoo!!!

Friday, January 23, 2009

All my experiences have led me to this point...

I am a firm believer that all of the events and experiences in your life make you the person you are meant to be....good and bad.

So now, here I am, almost 42 years old and having to start a new chapter in my life. But I am hopeful that this will be a good thing in the end.

After 17 years, my partner has decided she no longer wants to be in this relationship. This was not a sudden decision or even a surprise. We have had many years of our issues and always put them on the bottom of the priority list. I take full responsibility for my part and was finally making the time to resolve the things that I had control over. I started counseling and medication. But in the end, she was not happy and asked to leave. So now, I am having to rethink how I will live my life as not only a single woman, but as a parent as well. On one hand, I am somewhat relieved. Maybe this is the drastic measure we need to finally make the change. But even if that is not the case, I am hopeful for finding myself again. I have been "lost" for a long time. I spent a lot of time deferring to other peoples' needs and not taking care of my own. My main focus now is to make a smooth transition for our daughters - we both love them very much and want only the best. I still love B and hoped to spend my life with her. But I am coming to terms with what is happening and it is time to move on.

I am grieving the relationship on so many levels ~ not only the loss of my partner, but also the hopes and dreams we had for our future. I am grieving the loss of her family as part of mine. I am grieving the way things could have been.

I am so grateful for friends who have been giving me unconditional support and love. It is overwhelming (in a good way) and I am really, really thankful.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I ended up at the after hours clinic last Sunday because of an eye irritation. My suspicions were eye. Luckily it was just me and not the girls. I also found out that my blood pressure was pretty high again and my weight has crept up.

So I decided to try for some baby step changes this week:
NO candy - this is the worst at work. Everyone has candy on their desk and it is always within reach.
NO eating out for lunch - bring lunch and snacks
Walk the stairs or around the block at least once a day at work.

So far this week - I have done the first 2 without fail. I am really proud of the no candy - and I am losing my cravings for it, even after just 3 days.
But I have not gotten in any exercise! It is just hard to get myself up and out. I need to find a couple of walking partners at work to come by and drag me from my desk.

My big goal is to get healthy and active. I don't want to get fixated on numbers but I would like to lose 30-50 lbs this year. I want to find time for a variety of exercise. I also know I will need that time for myself and to help clear the cobwebs!

here it first post on my first blog

So I have lots of things swirling around in my head lately and I felt like I needed a place to put them down. I love journaling but never get around to it. I am on the computer all day and this seems like a good solution.

Some of this will be incredibly boring to most but hopefully some of it will be interesting and funny as well.

I am starting on a new journey in my life. I am trying to come to terms with all of the changes ~ I am hoping they will be good in the end.

Wish me luck!