I hate being low on the blog rolls...

ha ha!! I realized I need to post a new message when I see myself slipping lower and lower on other's blog rolls!!

last weekend was full of activity ~ got a few things accomplished, still have a lot more to do, but it is all coming along nicely :)

my parents helped me a lot and I had them over for dinner on Sunday night. I was cleaning up the kitchen while they were hanging with the kids in the living room and it hit me.
I was happy.
I love being in my own house and making it a home for me and the girls. I am grateful to my parents for everything they do for me - and realize that I need to be a little more tolerant of them. I am so blessed to have such amazing friends and support through all of the good and bad that comes along. *love*

so Monday, we met Wendy and Jill and the girls at a pottery place to paint. The girls had a great time and Ava asks me DAILY about her horse that she painted and why does it have to be 5 days before we can pick it up??? afterwards, we went back to Jill's and the girls (meaning the big girls!) played Rock Band! oh my gosh, that was fun!!! I sucked but it was still fun! We finally made it through a whole song - Beastie Boys!! LOL

Bridget has the girls tonight and then for the weekend. I finally get a whole weekend!! woo hoo!

I am changing my WW meeting for this week to Saturday - I am not completely happy with the Wednesday night leader and I need something different to get me back on track. I am hoping a change of scenery will help. And I'll be honest - I need a couple more days of eating right to hopefully get a good result on the scale too.

I am still on my decorating blog addiction! I am getting so many great ideas for the house. But it is killing me to stay up late reading them! I need an intervention LOL~
Speaking of house stuff, I am getting free furniture for the girls! It belonged to Emily and then Alex & Aidan (family friends' kids) - it includes a bed, armoire and desk with hutch. I will probably paint it all white and get new hardware. I just need to get another bed and mattresses. What a deal!! :) I love FREE!

another Wednesday, another .6 down...

I am trying to stay positive about it. A loss is a loss, right? But this creeping along is killing me!!
I have lost a total of 3.8 lbs since 4/22/09 - it just seems like such a long way to 50!

But more importantly, I am making changes - big changes - in how I am eating and what I am eating. I no longer grab as much fast food and when I do, it is a conscious effort to get something halfway decent...not only because it is less points, but also because I no longer want the junk anymore. So that's good. My mom's side of the family is prone to heart disease and hypertension - I need to take care of myself.

I am feeling ok this week - I have spent time with friends, realized that I can no longer stay up until 4am (LOL), I missed the girls, so I am not too upset that they came home a day early and I am looking forward to a 3 day weekend. I hope to get our backyard stuff done this weekend since it rained last Saturday. Two more days...

fun night...

after our adventure at Bollywood Gay Bingo last month, Jacki, Christene and I needed another reason to get together...and what better reason than a Bollywood movie and yummy Indian food!!!

Christene had to work until 9, so Jacki and I cooked. I say "I" but I was the official chopper and dish rinser LOL! Anyway, Jacki's food rocked!! We had palak paneer (spinach, cheese, veggies) and flat rice with veggies. Christene made gol gappa (little snacks that were puffed shells with a potato mixture in it and you dipped it in a broth). mmm...good stuff!

The movie was fun and Christene was giggling like a school girl over the leading man :)

I had a great time and really enjoyed the company. But it was a late night - I got home around 3 and then couldn't sleep for another hour (my neighbor left a note that my garage door was open and they closed it for me - I must have driven off without checking yesterday morning. Needless to say, I was a little freaked out!!) So here I am yawning at work...I need caffeine!! :)

I am now really jazzed about cooking again - I joke a lot about not knowing how to cook and being incompetent in the kitchen. But I really do enjoy it and want to do more. I am excited to learn new recipes and try them out!

discovery...

When I was in my early 30s, through a series of events, I found out that my father who raised me was not my biological father. Bridget is the one that was given the information and was in agony to have to tell me. But when she did, I was not that surprised and suddenly so many things made sense from my childhood and adolescence. It also kind of "released" me - from the unknown, from the doubts, from the tension. It was many years later that I finally let my father know what I knew - and we were able to come to a different place with each other and let go of the past (for the most part) and move on as daughter and father.

I spent the evening tonight with some friends that I have known for more than 20 years. My "adopted" family who I have been with through joyous times and some sad times, most tragically last year, when Gretchen died. One of the sisters is Bridget's best friend since elementary school. The family knows and loves us as one of their own.

I have not seen any of them since Bridget and I have split, so we had a lot of catching up to do. In one of the conversations, one sister mentioned something about "Bridget is seeing someone, right?" My whole inside shook, but I just said "I don't know" (which I don't). I don't remember the rest of the conversation. I don't know what to think or how to feel. It may or may not be true. It would make so much sense for her behaviour. It would be the reality that this is over.

But it also, once again, releases me from the unknown, the doubt and the tension. I am living my own life now and making decisions for the girls and myself. I am sad but not as sad as one would expect. It actually has made me feel a little stronger, so I am going to take that and use it.

I am doing the Komen 5K...

I just registered for the Komen Race for the Cure 5K on June 6th! I am so excited - this is the first of the 5Ks I hope to do this summer.

And of course, it is the one that matters so much to me right now - as I think about my amazing sister-in-law Jeanette. She is on her way to her chemo appointment as I type this. So much cancer has affected this family ~ it truly breaks my heart to have missed meeting their incredible mother. I would have loved to see her as a grandmother to the girls today. But Jeanette and Aunt Liz are changing the course of cancer history within their family...they are survivors! Strong, resilient, beautiful survivors :) I love them very much and this is one small step for me to honor them.

Please visit my personal page if you'd like to donate! Thank you!!
http://race.komennorthtexas.org/site/TR?pg=personal&fr_id=1030&px=1328865

I am feeling like myself again...

just a lot of little things lately, not any one thing in particular, but I am feeling more like "me" again.

I am so excited to get our house in order and decorated, to plan meals and activities for me and the girls, to re-connect with family and friends. I feel like I am coming out of the fog ~ and it is wonderful. :)

I have decided to disconnect a little bit ~ I know that sounds kind of counterproductive. But I need to prioritize my time and use it where it matters most. So I am going to try a little less internet at home and a little less overcommitting to playdates and nights out.

I get the girls back today - I have missed them. I can't wait to show them some goodies I got them from Ikea!

We will work in the yard this weekend ~ plant some flowers, put in the hopscotch grid and rake mulch with our very own kid-size rakes! I'd like to buy or make some bird feeders - we get lots of birds in our yard. I also need to get some ideas for the butterfly garden we want to do. It will be good to be out in the sun and working up a sweat.

wednesday weigh in...

only a .2 loss this week ~ but at least it is still going down. It just seems like a long way to 50 :(

But I know where my weaknesses are and where I need to make the changes...it's just a matter of really being committed to those changes.

1. planning! I just don't have time and I am always scrambling for dinner. I am working on some meal plans and ways to get them done and on the table for all of us.

2. activity! I have a sedentary job - I am on my butt all day. I get so engrossed in my work, I sometimes realize that I haven't gotten up for a long time. I need to set an alarm or an outlook reminder to get up and walk the stairs or walk around the building.

3. quiet! I am overstimulated - I need some down time. I need to quiet my brain for at least a few minutes a day and focus on what I want and what I have.

I will get there ~ I am ready for it. My girls need me to get there, I need me to get there.

I *heart* Ikea...

...especially when I can go there alone and take as long as I want to :)

I spent 2 hours looking at everything. I wanted to see some furniture in person that I am considering. I think I found a few pieces that I really like. I could not find a computer desk though, so still looking for that. Now I need to go back with a truck to get said pieces.

But I did get some cookware and some wine glasses and lots of little things that I didn't even know I "needed" LOL!

It was fun and I am exhausted...I think I will break in those wine glasses tonight ;)

kid free nights...

The girls are with Bridget tonight and Wednesday night. I love having a couple of nights to myself during the week - I haven't used them for just "me time" yet. I either have someone to visit or something to take care of. But I still enjoy the ability to do what I need to do. Now to work in some weekend time as well!

I did feel badly this morning - Ava and I had a rough start and were running late and I was frustrated. It is not their fault. I need to spend some time planning our routine and getting things in order. I will use this week to take care of some things that I hope will help. I want to plan meals, set up a responsibility chart for the girls, make a list of things to pack for their overnights with B, stuff like that. It is silly for me to run around crazy in the mornings - we can take care of a lot of the prep work the night before.

I am hoping to get some furniture shopping done this weekend and will have a "place" for everything. It is hard to organize when I don't have the proper storage spaces. My BIL and SILs offered to help me paint and put together my Ikea finds. I will definitely take them up on it!

I have eaten fairly well the past couple of days and have lots of veggies planned for today and tomorrow. My mouth is watering thinking about my california rolls for lunch today :)
Fingers crossed for a good weigh in tomorrow night!!

Mother's Day 2009...

Bridget and I spent the day with the girls for Mother's Day. The girls picked out a singing Spongebob card for her (yes, a SB Mother's Day card LOL). I picked up a couple of gift cards "from the girls" for her as well. Bridget got me a beautiful card with a nice note...no gift, but I am not bitter HA HA.

We went to the butterfly exhibit and the girls had a blast. Ava is my bug charmer - she loves worms and butterflies and doodle bugs! We were supposed to meet family at El Fenix but it got cancelled.

So we made a stop to Lowe's and I bought myself some mulch and a rake :). I also bought 10 square pavers to make a hopscotch grid for the girls in the backyard. I bought them their own little rakes too, to help me rake the mulch. I am so excited to start working on our backyard...I have plans for a butterfly garden and a salsa garden in the big terracotta pots. I am on the hunt for patio furniture and a small scale swingset.

The girls and I then headed out to visit Jeanette and Aidan. I hadn't seen J since her mastectomy about a month ago :( She looks great and we had a wonderful visit. I am only about 20 minutes away now and will make a point to see her more often. I miss her.

We got home late and picked up fast food to eat - I ended my day at -25 points! Yikes!! But I will do better this week and hope for a good weigh in on Wednesday.

my friend is having another giveaway!

I love her stuff and her site is awesome too :)

http://bagbybunch.blogspot.com/2009/05/another-giveaway.html

two quotes that I really like...

"to the world, you may be just one person; but to one person, you may be the world (anon)"

"every ending leads to a new beginning"


Good to remember...


Happy Friday!! :)

a little success...

Weight Watchers weigh in last night = down 2.6 lbs!! yippee!
My total is 3lbs since 4/22. :)

Bridget met me after the meeting to drop off the girls. They had a couple of nights with her and gave me a little break. I missed them but enjoyed my time off. We had a nice dinner at Chili's - Melody joined us too. Bridget and I are getting along and it feels good.

I am settling into my new life ~ I finally feel like I can breathe and relax a little. I was on the go so much the past few months. Now I am ready to make our house a cozy and comfortable place filled with friends and family and memories. I am looking forward to finding my groove and enjoying my favorite things again.

A huge thank you to all my amazing friends who keep showering me with support and love. I am forever grateful *love*

check out this giveaway on a friend's blog...

very cute pendants!

http://bagbybunch.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-first-giveaway-scrabble-tile-pendant.html

smells and memories...

I am cooking a meal for my wonderful friend Stacey ~ she just had a beautiful baby boy Christopher Michael.

It is Pioneer Woman's Chicken Spaghetti. One thing to know about me...I love everything about food and cooking and tools to cook with ~ I even love to read cookbooks for pleasure! But I don't think I am a very good cook. So it is a big deal when I cook and accept the possibility of the person not liking it! ha ha

Anyway, I was sauteing the onion and bell pepper and thought about how it is one of my favorite smells. Then a memory hit me...

I had an apartment in Euless when Bridget and I got together. I loved that little place. It was so quiet and since it was upstairs, I could leave the windows open. I had a meal that I used to cook all the time that included bell peppers and onions. I remembered the first time I cooked for Bridget - it was the beginning of the relationship and I was scared of what was happening. Scared to let myself fall in love with someone and feel so vulnerable. I liked being alone. I liked my routine. But I knew that I was also searching for something that was missing in my life.

So here I am, again in my own little place, alone (for the next couple of nights anyway) and feeling a little scared and vulnerable. But I am stronger now and I know what it feels like to open yourself up and let someone love you and to love them back. No matter what happens, I am forever grateful to Bridget for that.

good weekend...

So I thought I would write a happy post after my downer one last week :)

I had a great weekend. Nothing spectacular, but I enjoyed it.

I had a fun Pampered Chef party at my place, enjoyed great company and a yummy dessert!
My girls had fun with the kids that came and it wore them out, which is always a plus.
We had terrible thunderstorms for the rest of the day and it was wonderful to just stay home and have nowhere to go.

Sunday, we went to a Rylie's birthday party at a gymnastics center. My girls were so shy and moody for the first 30 minutes. Once they warmed up, it was time to go to the party room. Zoe loved jumping on the trampoline floor. I am going to see about classes there. I think they would both enjoy it. I met Jennifer and Rylie for the first time - and I love them both. They are both very funny and outgoing. I hope to spend more time with them.

Today, I packed up the girls' stuff for them to stay with Bridget for a couple of nights. Ahhh, I get the next 2-3 nights to myself. I am giddy with excitement. Maybe I will FINALLY take a bath in my fabulous tub and look out the skylight at the stars ~ with a glass of the wine that Tracey brought me ;)

Happy Monday, ya'll~

I need a break...

...seriously I am absolutely worn out ~ physically, emotionally, mentally.

I am feeling overwhelmed right now and not doing a good job with anything.

I feel like I am not being a good friend to others who need support right now, I dont feel like a good mom to my girls and I don't feel like I am being good to myself. ugh...just need to get it out.

I am happy today is Friday - I need the weekend.

I am also weaning off my meds (with dr approval this time) and I am unsure if it is the right thing or not. I want to try something a little more natural but wonder if it is really enough for right now. I am the biggest supporter of meds/therapy, but I can't help but hate the idea of HAVING to be on something.

I know once I settle into a routine with the girls and the house, it will be easier. Right now, everything seems so scattered and I am constantly disappointed in others not following through.

In other news, I made my first mortgage payment today ~ only 359 more to go! LOL