my girls' poor blog...

I am such a slacker blogger, I blame Facebook!  LOL
This will be a quick catch-up and then I am hoping to do better and post a little more regularly :)

Since I lost my job in February, I have really enjoyed spending this time with the girls.  And I know they are getting so much from it as well.  I am making the most of this time with them and hope to find a job close to home.

Ava is in the last 6 weeks of Kindergarten!  How can that be??  She is doing pretty well.  She is reading and is finally "getting it".  She loves to read to us and is so proud of herself.  I am so proud of her as well.  I loved reading from a young age and hoped she would get the bug too :)  She had a school program last week and did so great!  I wanted to cry watching her on that stage - all dramatic and into her singing!  I remembered her first program at Parents Day Out...she cried through the entire program LOL!  She also started riding the bus home and loves it.  One of her friends rides and as we found out, only lives one street over from us.  What a great surprise :)  That firstborn child of mine is at once incredible and exhausting!  She is tempermental, sensitive, mischievous, kind, witty...we are so much alike, we butt heads constantly - and she is just 5!!  Oh how I am scared of the teen years!!!

Zoe is loving her time with me..I mean, like "clinging to me 24/7 and telling me she loves me every 2 minutes" loving it!  LOL  We have been having some good one-on-one time, taking her to activities during the day (we try not to mention it in front of Ava).  I like having the time to really hear Zoe tell me what she wants to tell me.  A lot of times, she tends to get overshadowed by what Ava wants or what Ava does.  So I am enjoying this so much.  I love listening to her talk when we are driving - telling me stories or singing songs.  She is so funny and imaginative.  I never know what she will come up with next.

They both seem to be dealing with the separate households pretty well.  While school is in session, I still have them the majority of the time, with Bridget getting them every other weekend and visiting on Wednesday evenings.  They like Amy (and her two dogs) and she treats them very well and is caring and kind to them.  Although we haven't fully discussed the situation, my smart girls know a lot and seem to be okay with how everything is right now.

This month, I am looking at some summer options for both girls - want to find some fun activities to keep them busy and active.  We also have a birthday party to plan!  Ava is already making out the guest list LOL

hoping the sickies are gone...

so again with the jinxing, Zoe came down with something as well last week. It seemed like allergies but worse, so maybe just a bad cold. But as of tonight, both girls seem better and I am hopeful for the coming week. (fingers crossed, knock on wood, whatever!)


Ava was picked as Star of the Week for her class for next week. And with that honor, you get to bring home Dani the Dog for the weekend. Ava was so cute with that dog! It comes in a backpack with clothes and accessories. You are supposed to take her with you and then write a little story about what you did. We took Dani with us to IHOP, the grocery store and Chili's on Saturday.

Anyway, I can't believe it is a new month tomorrow. Time is passing so quickly - it just takes my breath away. Happy February to you :)

I jinxed myself...

I was bragging to someone last week that the girls and I haven't been sick this season - just some sinus and allergy stuff but nothing major. Apparently Ava caught a bug at the sleepover this weekend :(

She stayed home from school yesterday. She probably could have gone today but I wanted her to rest up a bit more. Thankfully she was sad about missing school - not like me growing up, I loved to miss! LOL

So far, Zoe and I are fine and I hope it stays that way...just need to pump us all full of vitamin C and keep the hands clean :)

P.S. anyone have tips for taking medicine that tastes and smells horrendous?? Seriously, it takes Ava at least 1/2 an hour to get 1 teaspoon down!!

first sleepover...

oh my goodness, how did this happen? how did my first born angel turn into a 5 year old going to her first sleepover??

This is actually the 2nd sleepover that Ava has been invited to this first year of school. 5 seems young to me but I guess not. She missed the first one because it was Mama's weekend with the girls. This one was too but she really wanted to go. So I made concessions for my kid-free night so that she could go. She told me up front that she was not spending the night and I could pick her up at 10. So that was the plan.

However, when I got there to pick her up, she told me she wanted to stay the whole night. So she did :) and we both survived - a little stronger, a little more independent and a little sad, but so very proud of both of us.

Raffle for Haiti Donations

A group of my very talented and generous friends have put together a raffle to help raise funds for Haiti.

www.dfwforhaiti.com

This is a worthy cause and you could win some great prizes!

a mini vacation...

We had a 4 day weekend due to the MLK holiday. I could do this every week LOL.

We didn't really make any plans, just decided to hang out and decide as we go. And it was fun :)

Friday, we took my parents to lunch. It never fails, I try to give my folks a break and they beg to see the girls anyway. I am very grateful to have them in my life and that they adore those girls so much.

Saturday, we met up with Brandie and D for lunch at Aparicio's. We sat on the patio and enjoyed the koi pond and the DART train running by every 15 minutes or so. No - it was a good thing LOL...the kids loved being so close to the train! But sorry, B - I did NOT like the food there!
We then met up with Tracey and Z at Ikea - yes, on a Saturday afternoon! YIKES! But it really wasn't so bad and I love me some Ikea!! We spent 3 hours there and I left with some stuff I "needed" and a few more things added to my must have list. We decided to stop at Cici's for dinner and then headed home. The girls were wiped out (and so was Mommy!)

Sunday, we met the group again at the Dallas Zoo. It was a beautiful day! We only had a couple of hours until closing so it was a little rushed but we had a good time. My friends were so kind to share their membership benefits - I am determined to get us a membership as well to pass on the kindness ;) Dinner at The Black Eyed Pea and then home for movie night - Enchanted, I love that movie!

We will hit up a park today and get things ready for a short work/school week (YAY)

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend and have a great week!

some of my 2010 goals...

~Self care and to not feel selfish or guilty about it. That has always been a struggle for me. But I need to be a "better" me in order to be a better mom, friend, daughter. So my spiritual list includes: therapy, al-anon, yoga/meditation, journaling, reading, volunteering. My goal is to find my focus again and to gain balance in my life.

~The old standby of losing weight (LOL), but with more of an aspect of getting healthy. My family history includes high blood pressure, heart disease and obesity. I have an uphill battle that I need to win. So I am going to really work on being active this year. I am planning on at least 2 Half Marathons in May and September, with a few 5K/10Ks sprinkled throughout as well. I would like to lose about 50 lbs but as long as I am on the right track, I won't sweat the numbers on the scale.

~Make our house a home. No more unfinished projects, no more unpainted walls, no more hesitation on picking a design or style or piece of furniture. I don't want to spend years unpacking and still not feeling like we are here to stay. I have a long list of things to do around the house and I plan to start this month.

~As I mentioned in the prior post, I am going to live in the moment. I am trying to convey this to my girls as well, especially Ava. She has come to me a few times lately talking about not wanting to grow up or for me to grow old. We have been talking about treating life as an adventure, every day. We both love the movie Up, so we relate it to the movie. I told her that we could help each other. So maybe that will work for both of us.

I have a few more on my list, but I also don't want to tempt failure. I will pick my main priorities and work those well.

Good luck to you on your goals for 2010! :)

christmas has come and gone, new year about to start...

Christmas is over and I was ready for it to be gone. I just couldn't get into the whole holiday spirit this year - lots of changes from years past, not really sure where I belonged. But it was fine overall, I enjoyed the time I spent with the girls and some of the traditions we started this year. I have plans for new ones next year as well.

Now on to 2010...I am ready for it! I always love January 1st ~ so much potential, so many new goals and aspirations. I may not always follow through on my resolutions, but I love the feeling of starting fresh. This is going to be My Year ~ I can feel it, I know it deep down inside. It is not just about losing weight or getting organized (like all the years past). It is about finally finding myself and loving who I am.

I have a list of goals and to-do's but my main focus is going to be living in the moment. This is one of my biggest weaknesses. I am always looking behind or far ahead - and missing out on the present. I want to appreciate all that is happening...right now.

I have a handful of people in my life that I truly admire and look to for inspiration. Different types of people, different lives and different reasons why I think of them as role models to aspire to. I am going to keep those people close and up front - try to stay focused on what I love most about their attitudes and outlooks on life. And I will hope to be an example to someone else at some point.

I will be 43 years old this April - lots to do before and after that birthday. Time to get busy :)

first holiday on my own...

today has been a mixture of emotions for me ~ it is the first official holiday as a single person and without my girls.

I started the day with the YMCA Turkey Trot downtown. I have always wanted to participate but never could because of Thanksgiving day obligations. So it was fun to be able to join in this year and I definitely plan to make this an annual event. My goal is to run it next year ;)

Afterwards I joined my friend Jacki and her family at the temple for a vegetarian lunch buffet ~ my first tofurkey! LOL It did not look or taste like turkey, but I love tofu and it was delicious!

I came home and started puttering around ~ but I have also been nursing a sore throat today and decided to take a little nap. I am still a little out of it but doing okay.

I am sad to be without my girls today though and have decided to cook/host at my place next year. I like having leftovers for dinner and I am dying for some right now! I also like the idea of having an open house for anyone that doesn't have plans and wants to join us.

The alone time has given me a chance to think about things, which can be both good and bad. But I am formulating my list of goals and plans for the next year. I have so much I want to take care of ~ need to write them down and prioritize.

The girls come back tomorrow and I am hoping I feel better. I want to do a couple of fun things before the break is over. It is also officially Christmas decorating time at our house, so we will be busy with that as well. Hoping for a good December...

feeling better...

so this week brought a couple more "revelations" about what a small world I live in and it shook me up pretty good...but I have some great friends who have helped me clear my head and gain a new perspective. I am so very thankful for the people in my life :)

I am trying desperately to get some things done! I have taken in entirely too many "projects" and have to get them completed!! This includes priming and sanding and painting ~ I am excited to do them but the time simply gets away from me! I am setting a goal for completion by planning an open house soon. I am ready to open up my house to friends and family. I love having people over, with kids and without, dinner, drinks, movies...I love having a comfortable and welcoming home. So there is my kick in the butt to get things done ;)

I had a great day yesterday!
I picked up another TV cabinet to be updated (I know, I know) that will go in my bedroom.
Attended a mother's blessing party, enjoyed great company AND got a henna tattoo!
Ended with a night in watching movies at a friends house - until 3am! ACK!!

Today is going to be productive...cleaning house, prioritizing what needs to get done, paying bills, etc. All before the girls come back home at 6!!

Happy for a clear head...

Saturday...

We went to a birthday party for Vincent (just turned 5). The girls had fun and I enjoyed visiting with a couple of my friends. The weather has been just gorgeous and being outside was so nice! We stayed until right before dusk and then headed home. Zoe crashed and stayed asleep. Ava hung with me for a while and "read" her school papers to me and sang me songs. She is now snoring beside Zoe and I get a little down time. I really should read one of the books sitting next to my bed. Oh well, maybe I will just keep surfing...

changes...

Changes in how I am addressing certain situations (work, home, kids, etc) and trying to make the best of things. I know I need to make some changes within before I can move on with my life. It is hard - hard to admit that I have faults, hard to move out of my comfort zone, hard to think too far into the future. But I also can't stay here.

This weekend is the 3 Day Breast Cancer Walk - my sister in law Paula is walking in honor of Jeanette, her mother and her aunt. I was looking at pictures on Facebook that Bridget's cousin posted of the cheering stations. The siblings were there and other family. I can just imagine the feelings Paula is feeling this weekend. I remember doing the bike ride in 1999, like it was yesterday. The emotions, the spirit, the feeling of accomplishment. I am so proud of her!

But as I was looking at the pictures, I didn't recognize someone in the crowd, then I saw she had a dog. And it clicked ~ that was Bridget's new girlfriend. There...with the family...in my place. I am not sure what I am feeling right now. I do fine for the most part and then little things will just knock me down. Like this. Or when I saw the movie last week and it had a couple celebrating their 63rd anniversary. It made my heart hurt - we were supposed to celebrate all those years too.

I feel so disconnected right now. I am just not sure what my role is with the family anymore. I am not ready or willing to let go after 17 years, but I wonder if I am supposed to. Luckily, I have not been in this situation before.

Going to write another post after this one - on a happier note...

Today was a good day...

although I am only half finished painting my fabulous green bookcase and the house is an absolute wreck, I had a great day.

I met my new friend Kirsten for a meeting and then we went to a movie. I cannot remember the last movie I saw at the theatre that was not animated or rated G. This was a real, grown up movie! K had not been to a movie since she had her daughter (almost 3). We were a couple of giddy mommies!! It was wonderful to share popcorn with a new friend and see a great movie.

I need to do that more often :)

P.S. The movie was "New York, I love You" ~ and I really liked it!! Lots of my favorite actors and I could "feel" the energy of NY!

The Rock...

No, not the beautiful wrestler/actor LOL ~ I am talking about White Rock Lake and how I walked all 9.3 miles of it!!!

The plan was to walk 13 miles - but I was 45 minutes late meeting Brandie and then Brandie had some shoe issues, so we settled on going around the lake once (9.3). The weather started out pretty chilly and I realized that I would need to be prepared for the real half in December. But the morning turned into a gorgeous day, just perfect for being out.

I felt amazing afterwards - we had lunch at Barbec's in Lakewood to celebrate ;)

I came home and decided that I could take a nap or actually get some stuff done. I chose the latter and that is a good thing! I needed to feel motivated to get things accomplished and I think that walk did it. I am charged up and ready for this month. Lots to look forward to!

I am excited about training for the half - I know that I will be able to do it!

gratitude...

I copied this from my friend's FB status today - I liked it! (thanks K!)

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing,... and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.” ~Melodie Beattie

This week, I have once again been amazed at how things work themselves out. When I think I am going to hit the wall, something opens up and allows me to continue ~ spiritually, mentally, financially. I am grateful for all that I have...thank you :)

feeling restless...

I have so many things on the horizon, so many things I want to do. I feel like I am in a constant state of anxiety, not so much the "bad" anxiety...but the kind of nervous, twitchy, restless feeling of something about to happen. I feel like I am just on the verge of lifting off, but something keeps holding me down. Most likely my insecurity and my fear of failure, they are heavy weights. I have something inside of me just waiting to soar - I can feel it! I need to release it. I just know that I have so much to accomplish and so much to give. I am ready to be free of these chains of my past, of my lack of confidence, of my uncertainty of my worth. Just need to take it one step at a time, that's the only way to get there...

so first step ~ I am going with a new friend to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow. I have been gone too long and think maybe this will help to refocus.

call me crazy...

but I just decided today to walk the Dallas White Rock Half Marathon in December!

Details to follow (as soon as I figure them out LOL)...

time to put on your big girl panties...and deal with it!

I have that as my avatar on my mom's board - I like it. It rings true for so many things, especially for me, right now.

I am tired of complaining about how life isn't fair, I am tired of whining about how I have to do EVERYTHING, I am tired of being the martyr. I don't really think I am a martyr, but you know what I mean.

No, life isn't fair, and yes, I do have to do most things because I am the mom and I care for my 2 daughters.

So, with that said, I am having a rough time right now, at this moment in time. But I am going to work it out and get through this. I am going to be strong and find a solution, not keep adding to the problem.

My list includes:
~finding a way to get back into therapy - it is cost prohibitive right now, but I think I really need it
~start on supplements for anxiety/moodiness
~get the house settled and organized for smoother morning and evening routines
~set up treadmill to get some exercise - which would probably help with the anxiety and moods ;)
~finally work on a budget
~find time for meditation, work on forgiveness (both of others and myself)

Yeah, that should keep me busy for a while...ha ha!

quick post...

Well, Ava has been in school for 3 weeks now ~ all seems to going well. But she is not a morning person and she likes to take her time doing her work...can't blame her, I am the same! LOL but we definitely have some adjustment period for both us!

The girls are with Bridget this weekend - I have a couple of fun things planned and then hope to really tackle my house. I am borrowing my brother's hand sander so that I can start on my furniture painting!

I am struggling with our schedule ~ we get home too late and I feel like I am constantly driving. Something has to give soon - I just don't know how or what??? And I don't like the chaotic schedule for the girls - they need to have some down time with me at night. Still brainstorming and trying to find what will work best...aside from me winning the lottery which is my first choice and make all this a moot point! Ha Ha Ha!!!

I am also trying to put things in perspective and realize priorities.
I am thinking of my Uncle Andy and how the family is still struggling with him being gone.
I am thinking of Gretchen and can't believe it has been a year since she passed.
I am thinking of my beautiful sister in law Jeanette and keeping the faith that she will stay strong and the cancer is gone for good.
I am thinking of all the things that were supposed to be and what they are now.

I am grateful and thankful for my life and those in it ~ just need to remember it ;)

learning to stop and breathe...

So Ava started Kindergarten this week. Monday was rough! I cried, she cried...I wanted to scoop her up and take her home. I waited all day long, wondering how she was doing and hoping she was enjoying herself. When we picked her up after school, I couldn't tell at first how it went. (again, she is SO much like me!). But then she told me about her day and I could see that she was just fine. :) The 2nd day was a little rough again but it went well. The 3rd and 4th days were pretty good! I am so proud of my girl - she is strong and smart and learning to be independent. I try to allow her that room - as much as I want to hold her tight and never let her go, she needs to try out her wings. I am trying hard to take it all in - it goes by so fast.

"roots to grow, wings to fly"

~ stolen from a friend's message board signature, I try to remember this often

Zoe is staying with my parents for now - we will try a part time program soon for her. It will give my parents a break and give Zoe some special time as well. She misses Ava :(

I am looking at job options (again). I have been here for over 8 years and I just don't want to be here. I am not foolish enough to make any rash decisions but I am putting out feelers that I am looking. Ideally I would love to work for the school distict - be closer to home and to have girls' schedule. I am not sure about the pay though. Will be contacting some recruiters to get some ideas.

I have been faltering on my exercise and eating the past couple of weeks. I have been too stressed and nervous to eat well - I have actually lost 5.5 lbs since the beginning of the month. I have not been able to walk like I had hoped. But we are finally emptying out the storage and I will have my treadmill this weekend. So no more excuses - I can at least walk on that daily!

I am dealing with some stuff about Bridget too - she and Amy are spending time together with the girls. The girls know that Amy is Mama's friend (only) and they enjoy her. I am glad she is a nice person. I haven't met her yet - not sure when I will be ready??? It still gives me a little lump in my throat to think about her in their lives. And about her being able to make Bridget happy when I apparently failed. I know it is not my responsibility to make her happy but it is hard to not think that way, you know? I am working on feeling good about myself and knowing that I am worthy...of a relationship (or not), of having a good life, of being a good mom/daughter/friend.