time to put on your big girl panties...and deal with it!

I have that as my avatar on my mom's board - I like it. It rings true for so many things, especially for me, right now.

I am tired of complaining about how life isn't fair, I am tired of whining about how I have to do EVERYTHING, I am tired of being the martyr. I don't really think I am a martyr, but you know what I mean.

No, life isn't fair, and yes, I do have to do most things because I am the mom and I care for my 2 daughters.

So, with that said, I am having a rough time right now, at this moment in time. But I am going to work it out and get through this. I am going to be strong and find a solution, not keep adding to the problem.

My list includes:
~finding a way to get back into therapy - it is cost prohibitive right now, but I think I really need it
~start on supplements for anxiety/moodiness
~get the house settled and organized for smoother morning and evening routines
~set up treadmill to get some exercise - which would probably help with the anxiety and moods ;)
~finally work on a budget
~find time for meditation, work on forgiveness (both of others and myself)

Yeah, that should keep me busy for a while...ha ha!

quick post...

Well, Ava has been in school for 3 weeks now ~ all seems to going well. But she is not a morning person and she likes to take her time doing her work...can't blame her, I am the same! LOL but we definitely have some adjustment period for both us!

The girls are with Bridget this weekend - I have a couple of fun things planned and then hope to really tackle my house. I am borrowing my brother's hand sander so that I can start on my furniture painting!

I am struggling with our schedule ~ we get home too late and I feel like I am constantly driving. Something has to give soon - I just don't know how or what??? And I don't like the chaotic schedule for the girls - they need to have some down time with me at night. Still brainstorming and trying to find what will work best...aside from me winning the lottery which is my first choice and make all this a moot point! Ha Ha Ha!!!

I am also trying to put things in perspective and realize priorities.
I am thinking of my Uncle Andy and how the family is still struggling with him being gone.
I am thinking of Gretchen and can't believe it has been a year since she passed.
I am thinking of my beautiful sister in law Jeanette and keeping the faith that she will stay strong and the cancer is gone for good.
I am thinking of all the things that were supposed to be and what they are now.

I am grateful and thankful for my life and those in it ~ just need to remember it ;)

learning to stop and breathe...

So Ava started Kindergarten this week. Monday was rough! I cried, she cried...I wanted to scoop her up and take her home. I waited all day long, wondering how she was doing and hoping she was enjoying herself. When we picked her up after school, I couldn't tell at first how it went. (again, she is SO much like me!). But then she told me about her day and I could see that she was just fine. :) The 2nd day was a little rough again but it went well. The 3rd and 4th days were pretty good! I am so proud of my girl - she is strong and smart and learning to be independent. I try to allow her that room - as much as I want to hold her tight and never let her go, she needs to try out her wings. I am trying hard to take it all in - it goes by so fast.

"roots to grow, wings to fly"

~ stolen from a friend's message board signature, I try to remember this often

Zoe is staying with my parents for now - we will try a part time program soon for her. It will give my parents a break and give Zoe some special time as well. She misses Ava :(

I am looking at job options (again). I have been here for over 8 years and I just don't want to be here. I am not foolish enough to make any rash decisions but I am putting out feelers that I am looking. Ideally I would love to work for the school distict - be closer to home and to have girls' schedule. I am not sure about the pay though. Will be contacting some recruiters to get some ideas.

I have been faltering on my exercise and eating the past couple of weeks. I have been too stressed and nervous to eat well - I have actually lost 5.5 lbs since the beginning of the month. I have not been able to walk like I had hoped. But we are finally emptying out the storage and I will have my treadmill this weekend. So no more excuses - I can at least walk on that daily!

I am dealing with some stuff about Bridget too - she and Amy are spending time together with the girls. The girls know that Amy is Mama's friend (only) and they enjoy her. I am glad she is a nice person. I haven't met her yet - not sure when I will be ready??? It still gives me a little lump in my throat to think about her in their lives. And about her being able to make Bridget happy when I apparently failed. I know it is not my responsibility to make her happy but it is hard to not think that way, you know? I am working on feeling good about myself and knowing that I am worthy...of a relationship (or not), of having a good life, of being a good mom/daughter/friend.

pride...

I am a proud woman - I want to do things ALL.ON.MY.OWN!

I want to feel satisfied that I can make things happen and I can do it all right. I cringe when I have to ask for help. It makes my stomach churn. It makes me cry inside (and a little outside too).

But pride can be such a roadblock on our journey. We have to take care of our family and their needs, even if it means choking on that pride just a little when you are swallowing it. So, I did just that. And I will get over it and move on.

First official 10K!

On Sunday, I did the Heels and Hills 10K walk! It was pretty awesome. I have always done 5Ks but never really timed them or tried for any kind of personal record.

I walked with Brandie and Jenn for the 10K portion - I timed at 1 hour and 48 minutes. I was dead last in the 10K category overall but I didn't care!! I felt amazing when I ran across the finish line.

I have been slowly coming around to feeling like myself and being active is a part of it. It reminds me of training for my 4 day bike ride 10 years ago. I want to feel like that again. It clears my mind and frees my soul. It releases my stress and makes me a better mom to the girls. It is nice to lose the weight but it is about so much more.

I have had a couple of weird days this week - a lot running through my mind and having fitful dreams. I know it is with the changes coming - Ava starting school, etc. But I am making this a priority for myself - it is the best therapy around!! :)

Ava Day...

Today Bridget and I had an Ava day :) We took Ava shopping for school clothes and shoes. I could tell that she absolutely loved having us to herself. She wanted to hold both of our hands at all times. As we were sitting in the dressing room watching our firstborn try on clothes, I felt so many feelings.

Nostalgia ~ 5 years ago, this beautiful little creature changed my life. and now she is moving on and starting the next chapter of her journey in life.

Pride ~ She is just like me, so strong yet so scared at the same time. Wants to be independent and do it her way, but is afraid of making mistakes and not being "perfect".

Sadness ~ I wish we were still the little family of 4 that Ava longs for, but we will continue to show her our love and support as her parents.

Hope ~ I hope she loves school and learning. I just know she is ready to take off and absorb it all! I hope she knows her worth and her strength and her place in this world.

Happy Ava Day to my sweet, smart, amazing, beautiful, funny, makes-me-so-mad-and-makes-me-laugh-all-at-once firstborn child! Mommy loves you very much!

a new month...

I have decided that August is "my" month! For no particular reason (as Forrest Gump says), I am going to finally get off my butt and make some changes!

Get healthy (lose weight, be active) ~ I have started another blog with a friend of mine. She has been a real inspiration this past year! She is now training to walk a half marathon in Sept...pretty awesome goal! So we are in this as a team and hope to support each other through the challenges of getting there.
http://mamasgettinhealthy.blogspot.com/


Quality time with the girls ~ school is starting soon and schedules will be hurried and busy. I am going to spend more quality time when I have the girls. Play outside, play board games, cook together. Ava has been especially clingy lately. I need to be sure to spend one on one time with both girls.

House projects ~ um, get them done! LOL Seriously, I am planning to go pick out paint this weekend and make a decision about wall colors! I am starting with the girls' rooms upstairs. I would love to get them all organized in time for the start of school. They should be easy since we already have an idea on colors for them. I am on the hunt for 2 twin beds - something unique and kind of funky that I can paint white to match.

So that should keep me busy (I didn't even mention my plan for a budget and getting my finances in order!!)

Happy August!