All my experiences have led me to this point...

I am a firm believer that all of the events and experiences in your life make you the person you are meant to be....good and bad.

So now, here I am, almost 42 years old and having to start a new chapter in my life. But I am hopeful that this will be a good thing in the end.

After 17 years, my partner has decided she no longer wants to be in this relationship. This was not a sudden decision or even a surprise. We have had many years of our issues and always put them on the bottom of the priority list. I take full responsibility for my part and was finally making the time to resolve the things that I had control over. I started counseling and medication. But in the end, she was not happy and asked to leave. So now, I am having to rethink how I will live my life as not only a single woman, but as a parent as well. On one hand, I am somewhat relieved. Maybe this is the drastic measure we need to finally make the change. But even if that is not the case, I am hopeful for finding myself again. I have been "lost" for a long time. I spent a lot of time deferring to other peoples' needs and not taking care of my own. My main focus now is to make a smooth transition for our daughters - we both love them very much and want only the best. I still love B and hoped to spend my life with her. But I am coming to terms with what is happening and it is time to move on.

I am grieving the relationship on so many levels ~ not only the loss of my partner, but also the hopes and dreams we had for our future. I am grieving the loss of her family as part of mine. I am grieving the way things could have been.

I am so grateful for friends who have been giving me unconditional support and love. It is overwhelming (in a good way) and I am really, really thankful.

I ended up at the after hours clinic last Sunday because of an eye irritation. My suspicions were confirmed...pink eye. Luckily it was just me and not the girls. I also found out that my blood pressure was pretty high again and my weight has crept up.

So I decided to try for some baby step changes this week:
NO candy - this is the worst at work. Everyone has candy on their desk and it is always within reach.
NO eating out for lunch - bring lunch and snacks
Walk the stairs or around the block at least once a day at work.

So far this week - I have done the first 2 without fail. I am really proud of the no candy - and I am losing my cravings for it, even after just 3 days.
But I have not gotten in any exercise! It is just hard to get myself up and out. I need to find a couple of walking partners at work to come by and drag me from my desk.

My big goal is to get healthy and active. I don't want to get fixated on numbers but I would like to lose 30-50 lbs this year. I want to find time for a variety of exercise. I also know I will need that time for myself and to help clear the cobwebs!

here it is...my first post on my first blog

So I have lots of things swirling around in my head lately and I felt like I needed a place to put them down. I love journaling but never get around to it. I am on the computer all day and this seems like a good solution.

Some of this will be incredibly boring to most but hopefully some of it will be interesting and funny as well.

I am starting on a new journey in my life. I am trying to come to terms with all of the changes ~ I am hoping they will be good in the end.

Wish me luck!