gratitude...

I copied this from my friend's FB status today - I liked it! (thanks K!)

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity…. It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing,... and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.” ~Melodie Beattie

This week, I have once again been amazed at how things work themselves out. When I think I am going to hit the wall, something opens up and allows me to continue ~ spiritually, mentally, financially. I am grateful for all that I have...thank you :)

feeling restless...

I have so many things on the horizon, so many things I want to do. I feel like I am in a constant state of anxiety, not so much the "bad" anxiety...but the kind of nervous, twitchy, restless feeling of something about to happen. I feel like I am just on the verge of lifting off, but something keeps holding me down. Most likely my insecurity and my fear of failure, they are heavy weights. I have something inside of me just waiting to soar - I can feel it! I need to release it. I just know that I have so much to accomplish and so much to give. I am ready to be free of these chains of my past, of my lack of confidence, of my uncertainty of my worth. Just need to take it one step at a time, that's the only way to get there...

so first step ~ I am going with a new friend to an Al-Anon meeting tomorrow. I have been gone too long and think maybe this will help to refocus.

call me crazy...

but I just decided today to walk the Dallas White Rock Half Marathon in December!

Details to follow (as soon as I figure them out LOL)...

time to put on your big girl panties...and deal with it!

I have that as my avatar on my mom's board - I like it. It rings true for so many things, especially for me, right now.

I am tired of complaining about how life isn't fair, I am tired of whining about how I have to do EVERYTHING, I am tired of being the martyr. I don't really think I am a martyr, but you know what I mean.

No, life isn't fair, and yes, I do have to do most things because I am the mom and I care for my 2 daughters.

So, with that said, I am having a rough time right now, at this moment in time. But I am going to work it out and get through this. I am going to be strong and find a solution, not keep adding to the problem.

My list includes:
~finding a way to get back into therapy - it is cost prohibitive right now, but I think I really need it
~start on supplements for anxiety/moodiness
~get the house settled and organized for smoother morning and evening routines
~set up treadmill to get some exercise - which would probably help with the anxiety and moods ;)
~finally work on a budget
~find time for meditation, work on forgiveness (both of others and myself)

Yeah, that should keep me busy for a while...ha ha!

quick post...

Well, Ava has been in school for 3 weeks now ~ all seems to going well. But she is not a morning person and she likes to take her time doing her work...can't blame her, I am the same! LOL but we definitely have some adjustment period for both us!

The girls are with Bridget this weekend - I have a couple of fun things planned and then hope to really tackle my house. I am borrowing my brother's hand sander so that I can start on my furniture painting!

I am struggling with our schedule ~ we get home too late and I feel like I am constantly driving. Something has to give soon - I just don't know how or what??? And I don't like the chaotic schedule for the girls - they need to have some down time with me at night. Still brainstorming and trying to find what will work best...aside from me winning the lottery which is my first choice and make all this a moot point! Ha Ha Ha!!!

I am also trying to put things in perspective and realize priorities.
I am thinking of my Uncle Andy and how the family is still struggling with him being gone.
I am thinking of Gretchen and can't believe it has been a year since she passed.
I am thinking of my beautiful sister in law Jeanette and keeping the faith that she will stay strong and the cancer is gone for good.
I am thinking of all the things that were supposed to be and what they are now.

I am grateful and thankful for my life and those in it ~ just need to remember it ;)

learning to stop and breathe...

So Ava started Kindergarten this week. Monday was rough! I cried, she cried...I wanted to scoop her up and take her home. I waited all day long, wondering how she was doing and hoping she was enjoying herself. When we picked her up after school, I couldn't tell at first how it went. (again, she is SO much like me!). But then she told me about her day and I could see that she was just fine. :) The 2nd day was a little rough again but it went well. The 3rd and 4th days were pretty good! I am so proud of my girl - she is strong and smart and learning to be independent. I try to allow her that room - as much as I want to hold her tight and never let her go, she needs to try out her wings. I am trying hard to take it all in - it goes by so fast.

"roots to grow, wings to fly"

~ stolen from a friend's message board signature, I try to remember this often

Zoe is staying with my parents for now - we will try a part time program soon for her. It will give my parents a break and give Zoe some special time as well. She misses Ava :(

I am looking at job options (again). I have been here for over 8 years and I just don't want to be here. I am not foolish enough to make any rash decisions but I am putting out feelers that I am looking. Ideally I would love to work for the school distict - be closer to home and to have girls' schedule. I am not sure about the pay though. Will be contacting some recruiters to get some ideas.

I have been faltering on my exercise and eating the past couple of weeks. I have been too stressed and nervous to eat well - I have actually lost 5.5 lbs since the beginning of the month. I have not been able to walk like I had hoped. But we are finally emptying out the storage and I will have my treadmill this weekend. So no more excuses - I can at least walk on that daily!

I am dealing with some stuff about Bridget too - she and Amy are spending time together with the girls. The girls know that Amy is Mama's friend (only) and they enjoy her. I am glad she is a nice person. I haven't met her yet - not sure when I will be ready??? It still gives me a little lump in my throat to think about her in their lives. And about her being able to make Bridget happy when I apparently failed. I know it is not my responsibility to make her happy but it is hard to not think that way, you know? I am working on feeling good about myself and knowing that I am worthy...of a relationship (or not), of having a good life, of being a good mom/daughter/friend.

pride...

I am a proud woman - I want to do things ALL.ON.MY.OWN!

I want to feel satisfied that I can make things happen and I can do it all right. I cringe when I have to ask for help. It makes my stomach churn. It makes me cry inside (and a little outside too).

But pride can be such a roadblock on our journey. We have to take care of our family and their needs, even if it means choking on that pride just a little when you are swallowing it. So, I did just that. And I will get over it and move on.